How it ends and new things begin.

How can I explain this feeling I'm feeling right now? I started senior year with so much anxiety and fear. Going into the dorms and starting Kairos, I felt so... inadequate. And as the year went on, so many times that I saw my sins, my failures. I saw how blind I was to myself, saw how little my heart was, saw how self-absorbed, lazy, and uncaring I could be. Just looking back all four years of college, I see how full of myself I was, how little I did for anyone, how much I wish I could go back to that person and tell her the truth. How even now, I'm such a small, self-interested person.

And yet tonight, like... I don't know if any of that was for me. I don't deserve any of that. I wonder if my words and actions really got through. I wonder how they could, when I feel like I've done so little.

Yet I feel like I've done so much. I labored over them. It was as if my peers and leaders and I were fighting this great battle to win back the prisoners held captive by the enemy side (we really were, really). I think a staff member during Winter Retreat put it well: it's like trying to hang onto them and anchor them while the raging wind is threatening to blow them away. Just praying for them, accepting their rejections, hoping they'll accept next time, just... how many times I felt defeated, that all our work would come out to nothing. Just hoping with our hearts bare for some sort of breakthrough. And in the midst of all that, wondering how is it that a person like me could take part in something like this?

I look at all that, and I'm so amazed. This. THIS is the irreplaceable, stunning, unbelievably amazing work of the Gospel. How unworthy I am to struggle for this cause and yet find myself so caught up in it and being able to receive all this love and gratitude.

If I knew, when I started this blog, when I started all this my freshmen year, that I would somehow end this college experience in this way, I... I don't know. I never would have guessed. God has taken me so far and shown me so much. God, this... THIS Gospel, THIS work, THIS cross, THIS GOD, who is SO GOOD. It is my treasure. And it's worth it and so much more.

How could I even dare to think I could live my life otherwise? Sadly, how often that I do. That in my sinful ways, I'm so prone to walk that road to Emmaus. But, again in these moments of clarity, do I come back. And here, I will end my college career, and this blog, on this note:

God is good, so very good.

‎"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." - 1 Corinthians 15:58

But Now

When I came as a freshman, all I wanted to do was fully enjoy all the fun opportunities college and the world had to offer me. But now, I want my life to be used for the painful yet joyful and completely fulfilling work of redeeming people to God – even if that means restricting my freedom to maximize the best worldly experiences – because this is the best way I can use my time while I am alive.

Spontaneity

A little something I realized today is that love often consists of spontaneous acts of care. While a lot about loving a person has to do with carving out times for them to meet up for dinner or what not, more often then not, love is about being able to drop everything at the moment to be available for people. It's pushing your current agenda aside to make room for your friend right then and there - whether it be giving advice, helping them with some homework, or listening to how her day went. It's realizing they got sick, so deciding to finish your work later and pulling up your sleeves to make some soup or porridge and bringing it over.

That's why love is so hard. But when you're on the receiving end, it's so touching and heart-warming. So I think I really want to be able to do this better, with less hesitance and more willingness. Knowing that, as that GLive line goes, I want to invest in things that last. And only people last forever.

something read from a long time ago...

"It shouldn't be this hard." He whispered miserably.
The boy just stared at him, feeling his heart quicken at the sight of him looking so dejected.
"Anything that's worth having doesn't come easy." The boy said. "I think that's particularly true when it comes to family."

"Sometimes I feel so alone."

A feeling that I can say I haven't felt much of, or at least since I've really committed myself to my church community and felt closer to God. But I realize it's something a lot of people feel, some so very often. I saw a picture someone drew that said "Sometimes I feel so alone" and a lot of the comments people wrote said, "Me too" or along those lines. Also expressed in those comments was a sense of hopelessness, like there wasn't much that could be done about it. And when I talk to different people and different friends, I see it's such a common experience.

A kind of inexplicable feeling. One that gets you right in the chest and can hit you whenever, even as you're surrounded by people. A feeling that quickly seeps into every part of yourself, makes you so utterly discontent with life for no good reason. And you're grasping for something within yourself, just something to hold onto, because you feel like you're sinking or drowning or falling. Somehow you feel completely detached from everything that is going on around you. A feeling that makes you want to cry but you don't because crying, too, seems so impossibly pointless and possibly make you feel so much emptier. A feeling that makes everything so meaningless, drains all desire to do much of anything.

Empty and hollow and unsatisfied, unfulfilled... alone.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Romans 8:38-39, Isaiah 41:10

Heaven

As a young child, I never understood the appeal of heaven, other than the fact it wasn’t hell. Heaven, honestly, seemed quite boring and very bright, not very exciting at all.... And then I grew up. I grew up and faced the challenge of dealing with the unknown, the stubbornness of human foolishness, the pain of struggling with my flaws, and the fear of uncertainty. I witnessed the finality of death and the toll death exacts on the living. I bore the burden of people’s lives, their joys and sorrows and fears and I learned of the poverty and violence and greed that wrought the world’s population. I discovered the guilt, shame, loneliness, and hate that grips people in their unflinching hold. 

Then, I understood the hope of heaven. Freedom from pain and fear, from death and sorrow. Hope that in the end, everything was really going to be okay, that bearing through the trials of this world meant something, that there could be a time when life wouldn’t be so hard anymore, but full of joy and prospering and peace. 

Now, I can say with joy and anticipation that I am heaven-bound, that I believe in a God who makes all things new. And despite all the struggles of this current age, I live with the peace of heaven settling my breaking heart with life.


EDIT 20120311:
"I don't believe in God because I want to go to heaven; rather, I want to go to heaven because I believe in God."

O Come, Come.

Today's prayer meeting really... well, it was good. As I was praying, I... well...

I'm stuck.

I realized that again today. It's been a while since I've come to see that again. Stuck. Between what I want to do and what I also want to do. Those two parts of me raging battle in my chest, exchanging blows in my head, and struggling for dominance.

Stuck. Stuck in sin, stuck in desires for selfish comfort, entertainment, distraction. Yet, simultaneously, yearning for that selfless, humble, wonderfully rich life of the servant. God, what is wrong with me. What is wrong with all of us??

I'm just going to rant now about this horrible, broken world. Genocide, war, conflict, death and violence and starvation on a massive scale. Did you know that human trafficking is a 80 billion dollar per year industry? It is literally pure profit. There was a famine in Somalia this year that no one knew about. The genocide in Darfur is still going on and the UN hasn't done anything about it because they haven't decided how to categorize the issue yet. Refugee camps in Africa are purposely made to have horrible conditions, and it's costing hundreds of millions of dollars to sentence 5 top leaders of the Khmer Rouge to prison. The one man who was sentenced got only 15 years. The Khmer Rouge killed one fourth of the population in Cambodia in just under 4 years. Thailand, at one point, loaded a small boat of refugees and just set them afloat into the ocean with no provisions, because the country didn't want them.

And still, the dominant mantra of our day is "Follow your heart. Do whatever you desire. That'll make you happy." And people wonder why our world is failing?

I'm banging my head against the wall. Repeatedly. The problem is not the system. It's not those people over there. It's YOU. It's ME. It's US. And this entire world is stuck, stuck, in this never-ending cycle of sin and pain and selfishness, and I'm stuck because I can't seem to get over myself, stuck in this world that's stuck in it's failed institutions of men. I look at people's lives and I'm just overcome with a sense of emptiness. I look at myself and feel like such an idiot.

What's wrong with us? Us. Really. It's us. Godless, directionless, without standards and boundaries. We just do whatever we feel like. We just "follow our hearts". Well, so do corrupt CEOs, fascist authoritarians, drug cartel bosses, and kidnappers.

O come, o come Emmanuel,
and ransom captive Israel!

Come God, 'cause, dude... for years and years, humans have been trying to fix themselves. It's not working. For years and years, I've been trying to fix myself. It's not working. Even with God, it's freaking hard. But man, I can't do it on my own. I'm stuck. And the only thing that has ever worked for me, even a little, is God. The Great Un-Stucker.

Un-stuck me, God. Ransom captive Israel! God With Us, Emmanuel.

Marchin' On

I haven't written in this thing in a while (I think I say this a lot).

I have friendships, purpose, and fulfillment that so many can only dream and wonder about. My life in Christ really is the way to live.

something along the lines of

something along the lines of the last post that I posted on Jfer's tumblr thing.

Inadequacy is the name of the game I’m playing lately. I’ve always thought that as you get older, that’s something only immature, dumb kids play; once you get older, you graduate from such things and move into the cool confidence of competence. It’s a scary game, and half the time I’m looking down and utterly shocked that I haven’t plummeted to the ground and landed in an unimpressive heap of failure and disappointments. And far from what I believed as a child, I see that maturity is further realizing one’s inadequacies than moving away from them. Kind of like walking on a tightrope in the fog, thinking that as you walk farther along, you’ll realize that the ground is actually a soft, bouncy material, only to notice as the fog rolls away that you’re hundreds of feet off of a very hard and very solid floor.

What I want to say, though, is that, ultimately, feelings of inadequacy is okay. More than okay, really, especially when we have the promise of God who gives us strength in weakness, who makes all paths straight, and who makes all things possible. In competence, I only found myself and that has made me arrogant and insecure and alone. In inadequacy, I find grace and companionship. I find God and I find you, my peers, and God’s church, who haven’t kicked me out on my bum, but rather continue to accept me and forgive me.

In that, inadequacy has given me far more than competence has. So, if you’re feeling the same as I am, maybe that’s a good thing after all.

everything that you do

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on this blog. I usually only come here when I have something I really want to say. And while, lately, a lot of things have happened and a lot of things are changing, I haven't had a blog-like, coherent, enlightened thought to write here. Also, lacked the motivation to spend the time to write something that sounds cool enough to blog. Ha.

Reading past posts, I think that this blog makes me sound better than I am. As it is a compilation of my best thoughts, which I don't necessarily follow or think about all the time. Really, getting older - for me - has been a process of getting humbler, realizing more and more how inadequate I am. But I'm glad that is the case.

I used to be so arrogant. I thought I knew it all. Independent and strong. Mature and wise.

But now I regret that independence and strength. It has made me unable to be vulnerable, open, and trusting. I am proud and lazy. Un-reflective and unfeeling. Judgmental and fake.

I am so incompetent in this area of my life - the concept of sharing my concerns with others is so foreign to me, that I don't even know how to start. I mean, what is the standard? What do I tell as a legitimate concern and what is just my complaining and whinging and needs to be kept silent? And besides, people seem so busy. When do I tell them? And then I tell them, but most times it's incoherent and I start crying from the release of tension, and then I'm comforted - which makes me uncomfortable and bristle with resistance. Sometimes, I'd rather they just tell me to suck it up and get over it. Makes my issues smaller than they are and, thus, controllable. Manageable. Conquerable.

I'm not sure what I think, really, or how I feel, or what I am trying to say.

I just feel inadequate a lot of times. Well, more times than before. But maybe I'm trying to say that's a good thing.

A really good thing.

nippon

Isn't it interesting

that people say things

like:

"I don't believe in a god,

but

I will pray for you."

As if,

sometimes,

they hope

that something like

a good god

does exist

because our own human effort doesn't seem to be

enough;

we pray that something

great,

beyond our capacity,

will occur.

had I the world

I find that humans are inconsolably, infinitely lonely beings. Not one or two or three or, even, a hundred people can ever fill that void. What pitiful creatures we are, that one could gain the entire world and still have nothing.

As dreary as this all may sound, I am glad for it. This simply means that we are too big for this world. We were meant for something more.

this blog is so neglected

Recently, I've realized how many things I'm doing. Juggling Kairos Ops, praise band, Interhigh, ministry, friends (also important!), classes and studying, my part-time job, and, now this year, looking for internships - well, there's just a lot. Balancing relationships and work and class and responsibilities, knowing how to keep afloat, keep the finances stable, and keep yourself fed and rested, and then find time to exercise (which I have not done yet...). Golly gee wizz, life is complicated.

There is always the possibility of those vague shimmers of that individualistic dream, one that is free, unbounded, not obligated - one in which you answer to yourself and only yourself and your desires. Wherever the wind takes you, whatever your heart desires. And in our modern day society, how praised that kind of life is. It's encouraged, even. That life, as opposed to the planted, rooted, boring, complicated life of the responsible.

Ultimately though, I found something more important to me than myself. More important than building myself up, more important than following and fulfilling all the whims of the heart. I found people to love, to care for, and people who love and care for me. What can I say? I'm a sucker for these people.

Richness, I see now, can only be reaped after you've sown and watered for a bit. You just scatter seeds but don't stick around long enough to see them grow. And then what? No strawberries. If you get my metaphor.

That means that if I plan on sticking around longer, I need to know how to balance. It's an increasing sign of maturity, to be obligated and commit and fulfill those obligations, whether they are to other people or to your job or to school, what not. And I want to reach that level of maturity, of richness really. I want to be a rich person, and that can only happen through my ability to do a lot and yet enjoy all those things, not break down, not give up, but inexorably though perhaps not perfectly, bind myself down, to, and for.

A part of me will always want to just go with the flow and toss everything away for freedom. But I need to remember that I can't live my life always wondering if it's better over there.

That feeling, I realize, is because we all seek the ultimate "over there": paradiso, utopia, up there... you know, heaven. God has placed eternity in our hearts and we will always long for the over there. But the over there is not here on earth. It's there. Way up there.

But a piece of that over there can be found in the people who I commit my life to, the people who commit their lives to me, in this community of farmers and fighters, shepherds and soldiers. I see a glimmer of that over there in the people I decide I love.

Somehow, if something takes me away from here, I hope that I will hold onto here, rather than forget and let go. And become a person of multiple connections, like a web that stretches beyond space and time - deeply, strongly, and beautifully.

For now, though, I need to stop wasting time, stop stalling time and try to pretend I have all the time in the world. I'm twenty-freaking-one now and there are people depending on me, relying on me. I'm a sucker for these people. There's no way I plan on letting them down.

Walking and Waiting

As junior year is speeding to its half-way point, I find myself mildly disappointed in myself while simultaneously surprised at my growth. I've stumbled upon a huge realization that I thought I once knew but now, I see, I didn't really understand before:

I have no control.

I've said this in previous posts, about slowly learning, again and again, how I lack complete control and mastery of the situations and people around me, yet I am still learning how so true that this is. (With that being said, it's amazing how many times we need to learn a lesson we thought we knew, only to find we never really knew it before!) No matter what I do, I cannot force change on people. I can do only what I can do - give advice, support, and encouragement - but I cannot expect them to change tomorrow, change next week, or even - even - in five years. Just looking at myself and how long it took me to learn and change, well, certainly, it takes a lot for someone to change. Perhaps I have watched too many TV shows, movies, read too many comics and stories, in which people change so quickly - one properly, perfectly timed word and BAM! They suddenly see the error in their ways and make significant steps toward redemption or something. But in reality, most often it takes years. Really. Years.

There are things out of my hands, out of my control. And while this does not excuse me from doing nothing then (by no means am I to Let Go and Let God and, with such attitudes, justify complacency and laziness), it gives me a measure of peace. God provides. He is truly trustworthy. He is sovereign.

In all this, I have learned to wait. To be patient. Things don't always have to get done the best possible way I can think of, but things can be a little less polished and nice if it helped someone to gain a little confidence, a little experience, if it helped me to enjoy the journey and the people than fly on by to the product, if it helped everyone get a little closer and a little wiser. Things don't have to be perfect. In fact, the futile struggle towards such is exactly that: futile. Sure, we want to do things well, but I do not have to stress about the sheer imperfection of it all that often leaves me quick to annoyance, hasty decisions, and stubbornness that pushes people away and leaves me alone as the supposed sole voice of reason and rightness.

Things are not perfect as I am not perfect. A patience, then, also from my own coming-to-terms with my failures. I fail as others do; so how much more should I be patient and excuse them as others have excused me?

I'm horribly unprepared for the future and I've done an atrocious job in keeping up with my classes. I've made horrendous lapses of sound judgment in dealings with my friends and I've purposely ignored some people and avoided others, made vague my answers to hide the truth, and found myself breaking promises I made to myself.

One would think by now, I'd have grown out of much foolishness. But on the contrary, I just discover more and more. I'm coming to be better at facing them, though. Better at accepting, better at learning. And, maybe, in the end, that is all we can really do. We can never fully grow out of selfishness, of foolishness, of pride and shame and sin, but we can get better at learning, at changing, at honesty with others and with oneself.

We may always be taking two steps forwards, one step back - but it's forwards, nonetheless. Granted, it's a slow process. But, as they say, good things come to those who wait and, if nothing else, I think I can do at least that.

Committment

"For once in your life, stand up for something! Stand up for something and dare to be persecuted, ridiculed, insulted for it!

For once in your life, bear the burden of things greater than yourself."

-musings from the shower...

Scattegories

I feel like I should actually write something about these past months and days. I mean, holy shite, when the end of May rolled around, I didn't expect such a crazy two, three months. I really feel like I made this incredible jump from sophomore to junior, from being a 동생 to 언니 status.

I grew so much this summer: Interhigh small church services, the China trip, Upperclassman Discipleship Retreat, Welcome Week activities... Looking back, I feel like I really have changed, even though I barely recognized it when it happened. I'd like to spend some more time really trying to put this experience into a few, eloquent words but I need to sleep soon and get ready for my first official day as a junior and get ready for class.

To end then, I just want to say... I want to love people. I wish I could communicate to everyone I meet how much God loves them and how much I want to love them in turn. I find myself emotionally investing in people more now, more so then sophomore year, even more so then the beginning of the China trip. I feel like I'm about to burst with enthusiasm; I'm so close to forcing them to come out and like us, chaining them and dragging them out! Not really, but that sort of sentiment is there. It's like I really want to see them more and get to know them; them: anyone and everyone who will listen, who I can meet and just get to talk to.

With all this, I feel so ridiculously foolish for my pride and insecurity, that I would let such things hinder me from reaching out and doing more, that I would be so self-focused.

I hope that I can continue along this vein and not burn out, but burn on and on with the eternal fire and life that God provides, with the urgency and excitement that comes with doing His work, motivated and driven from now to the end by an unconditional, beautiful, and healing, life-giving love.

Marvelous Light

Gee, I'm a junior in college. 20 years old.

Rent-paying, bill-getting, furniture-owning ADULT.

It's sort of weird to think that I'm not the same I that I was when I was 10, or 15, or 18, yet I still am I. I suppose that doesn't make too much sense. I think I really understand what Pastor Ed meant when he said that the life of a college student is one constantly in change. And as I face my 3rd year in college, stepping ever closer to a real, job-going, income-earning adult, I feel like I should be overcome with vertigo. I'm mildly fascinated by the fact that I haven't plummeted to the ground as I take further steps into the unknown future (and, not to be morbid, closer to my death, but hey, who's counting the years anyway? Not like we celebrate something like that every year with cake and presents.) which, really, I've come to realize this past year, cannot be controlled, however hard you plan. I feel as if every plan I had come to make this year failed.

I also realize I have a lot of power, power to change and to impact the people I talk to, the people I meet, the people whose lives I unwittingly find mine brushing against. I found the power of a simple life, a single word, a solitary action to lightly yet significantly influence the course of others' lives. I know because I too have been changed by such seemingly inconsequential brushes that play such large parts to bring me to where I am.

Sophomore year was really long yet really short, dragged on too long yet sped by too fast. It's so strange that I've only known the Kairos girls for a year, that just two years ago around this time, I had graduated from high school. I can't remember feeling that young (like those Interhigh kids, who just seem so confused, so unknowing, so... so young), only feeling so old, feeling like I was running out of time before I'm giving my kids a ride to soccer practice, before I'm expected to know everything and do everything and be everything.

There was a lot of joy in the past year and also a lot of painful growing, a lot of stress and pressure and worries, but also a lot of people and places - which really makes it all worth-while.

I thank God so much for all His provisions, surrounding me with such blessings, making sure every step I take into that uncontrollable future lands not through dark air of nothingness, but on a solid path into a bright future, however unknown it may be to me. I find the path full with people, those who care and love and accept even in the midst of those who don't.

Looking forward, rather than being blinded by a dreary darkness, I'm blinded by a marvelous light.

memories

"I don't deserve forgiveness."
"That's why it's called forgiveness. It's given, not earned."

hold the hand that holds the world.

Something insightful for once:

I guess recently, I have been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by work, by summer plans, by finances, by concern for my parents, by apartment hunting, by responsibility, and by my sheer ineptitude to handle all of this. More so, I feel overwhelmed by the people I need to care for and love in my life and how I seem to constantly fail to do so. At this realization, I finally let go and gave it all to God. And so I find myself overwhelmed by the grace of He who loves me.

And I know I'm weak,
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your Name.
But because of grace, because of Your Mercy,
I stand here unashamed.

Without without.

I told myself that I would, whatever I chose to do, put everything into it.

In high school, I really stretched myself too thin. It really came crashing down by junior year. I was trying to do Key Club, Academic Decathlon, and the Speech and Debate team, not to mention handling school courses, SAT classes, and piano. Because I couldn't devote myself enough to each one, I missed out fully experiencing what each had to offer. I got cut from AcaDeca after a summer and a semester of hours of studying, I lost my election to Lieutenant Governor (and District Secretary) for Key Club, I barely competed for Speech and Debate and did poorly when I did, barely got through my classes, didn't get scores as high as I could have on the SAT, and practiced an hour or two of piano a week when it demanded at least 2 hours a day. I didn't learn as much as I could have. I wasn't as close to people as I should have been. And I was tired.

In senior year, I tried to make things different. I told myself, Key Club or Decathlon. I knew I couldn't do both, and I knew Speech and Debate, by this point, was out of the picture. I chose Decathlon and even though we might not have won, I grew so much from that experience. I got really close to my team. I spent good times with good people. I worked hard along with my teammates. And I learned so much about people and myself.

I realize that the more I invested my efforts into something, the more I got out of it. The more I invested into Key Club, the more I got better at meeting new people, taking on responsibilities, and be a leader. The more I invested into Speech and Debate, the more I learned how to write, to step out of my comfort zone, and to speak in front of people. The more I practiced piano, the more I appreciated music, the more I could play beautifully. The more I studied for Decathlon, the more I learned about my limits, my studying habits, and my determination. I cried more, struggled more, but laughed so much more than that.

I daresay that there isn't much to disagree with that.

So then, tell me, why is it so bad to invest my time into church? It's something I truly care about. And if I want to get the most out of it, then I need to put my most into it. As with anything else. That's not to say I'm in church just for myself. Rather, I want to invest my time into what I chose to do and make sure to make sure of my choice.

So you know what? Church is not sucking my life away. It is not stealing me away from having fun. Church is not harming me in some way by taking up my time. Please stop laying this double standard onto it.

You'll have to choose to put your time into something. Whether that be a business frat or a charitable cause, your classes or parties, art, music, or dance, or even just drowning your time away online on Facebook, you will choose. You may already have. One of the things I chose is my faith because I believe that God is real and I believe that influences the way I live my life. I believe in this man named Jesus, who is also God and died and rose from the dead and I believe this impacts my view of the world and of the people around me.

I decided on investing my time and efforts into my church; this church, though much vilified by many, is the one I have always wanted as a young middle school kid, torn from friends and community and made skeptical because of church politics and drama; this church that took in a freshman like me and immediately accepted me for no reason of my own; this church that decided that they should take their faith seriously even though so many have not and, consequently, ruined so many lives; this church that tries so hard to love people despite their, our, weaknesses and flaws; this church that has failed many times before, as all things have and do, but continues on as best as they can.

And if you have decided to look into Christianity, then do not do it halfheartedly. Investigate everything; do not walk away without all the answers, without the full truth.

Do what you chose to do. I realize in our non-commitment, instant-gratification society, something like that is so hard to do. Such a path is not easy and fraught with risks and pain. It may seem stupid. But I think its dumber not to commit. You will never get anything meaningful out of life if you just coast on by without choosing and doing.

As Yoda put it: Do or do not. There is no try.