O Come, Come.

Today's prayer meeting really... well, it was good. As I was praying, I... well...

I'm stuck.

I realized that again today. It's been a while since I've come to see that again. Stuck. Between what I want to do and what I also want to do. Those two parts of me raging battle in my chest, exchanging blows in my head, and struggling for dominance.

Stuck. Stuck in sin, stuck in desires for selfish comfort, entertainment, distraction. Yet, simultaneously, yearning for that selfless, humble, wonderfully rich life of the servant. God, what is wrong with me. What is wrong with all of us??

I'm just going to rant now about this horrible, broken world. Genocide, war, conflict, death and violence and starvation on a massive scale. Did you know that human trafficking is a 80 billion dollar per year industry? It is literally pure profit. There was a famine in Somalia this year that no one knew about. The genocide in Darfur is still going on and the UN hasn't done anything about it because they haven't decided how to categorize the issue yet. Refugee camps in Africa are purposely made to have horrible conditions, and it's costing hundreds of millions of dollars to sentence 5 top leaders of the Khmer Rouge to prison. The one man who was sentenced got only 15 years. The Khmer Rouge killed one fourth of the population in Cambodia in just under 4 years. Thailand, at one point, loaded a small boat of refugees and just set them afloat into the ocean with no provisions, because the country didn't want them.

And still, the dominant mantra of our day is "Follow your heart. Do whatever you desire. That'll make you happy." And people wonder why our world is failing?

I'm banging my head against the wall. Repeatedly. The problem is not the system. It's not those people over there. It's YOU. It's ME. It's US. And this entire world is stuck, stuck, in this never-ending cycle of sin and pain and selfishness, and I'm stuck because I can't seem to get over myself, stuck in this world that's stuck in it's failed institutions of men. I look at people's lives and I'm just overcome with a sense of emptiness. I look at myself and feel like such an idiot.

What's wrong with us? Us. Really. It's us. Godless, directionless, without standards and boundaries. We just do whatever we feel like. We just "follow our hearts". Well, so do corrupt CEOs, fascist authoritarians, drug cartel bosses, and kidnappers.

O come, o come Emmanuel,
and ransom captive Israel!

Come God, 'cause, dude... for years and years, humans have been trying to fix themselves. It's not working. For years and years, I've been trying to fix myself. It's not working. Even with God, it's freaking hard. But man, I can't do it on my own. I'm stuck. And the only thing that has ever worked for me, even a little, is God. The Great Un-Stucker.

Un-stuck me, God. Ransom captive Israel! God With Us, Emmanuel.

in preperation for

veni, veni Emmanuel,
captivum solve Israel
qui gemit in exilio
privatus Dei filio.

gaude! gaude! Emmanuel
nascetur pro te, Israel!

hold the hand that holds the world.

Something insightful for once:

I guess recently, I have been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by work, by summer plans, by finances, by concern for my parents, by apartment hunting, by responsibility, and by my sheer ineptitude to handle all of this. More so, I feel overwhelmed by the people I need to care for and love in my life and how I seem to constantly fail to do so. At this realization, I finally let go and gave it all to God. And so I find myself overwhelmed by the grace of He who loves me.

And I know I'm weak,
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your Name.
But because of grace, because of Your Mercy,
I stand here unashamed.

Sacred

Basically what happened is that tonight, I went to watch this documentary about shellmounds, sacred Native American burial sites. I am working with the IPOC to help protect rights and awareness for that. One part, they talked about religious freedom and the right to believe and practice what they wanted, and how in the past, young Native Americans were forced to go to schools to "civilize" and Christianize them. And I just kept thinking, "STUPID STUPID OLD CHRISTIANS WITH YOUR IDIOTIC VIEWS MAKING US ALL LOOK BAD." For me, God and my faith has always been one about love and acceptance. Christianity is not about right-ness, or morals. It's about a love so vast, so deep, so high that defies even death.

I just imagined this scene where someone new walks into the church doors, and even though no one in that church knows that person or what kind of views that person has, that everyone would turn to them and welcome them, as if they were coming back home or coming to visit close friends that they haven't seen for a long time. I imagined this happening even if they knew the person wasn't a Christian and stuff. Man, wouldn't that be sweet? That the church would become the vehicle, not of violence and hatred, but of love, as God had planned it to be?

I guess that's why I love the church I am in now in Berkeley. A lot of people have harsh criticisms, even hate it, think it's exclusive, intolerable, etc. But I have never been at a church that loves so much, loves God so deeply, loves people so beautifully.

Ok, now for something completely irrelevant!
This awesome opera Byron showed me.
Just two verses. :D

Fate, as vicious
as capricious,
whirling your merry-go-round:
evil doings,
worthless wooings,
crumble away to the ground:
darkly stealing,
unrevealing,
working against me you go:
for your measure
of foul pleasure
I bare my back to your blow.

Noble actions,
true transactions,
no longer fall to my lot:
powers to make me
then to break me
all play their parts in your plot:
now seize your time -
waste no more time,
pluck these poor strings and let go:
since the strongest
fall the longest
let the world share in my woe.

ISN'T THAT COOL?!?!?!?!

branches

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains.
Hope that doesn’t ever end,
Even when the sky is falling.
And I’ve seen miracles just happen,
Silent prayers get answered,
Broken hearts become brand new.

That’s what faith can do.

Sometimes the way is lonely

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl.
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall. So,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,

Fall on Jesus and live.

conceivably.

But love, it washes over,
Love, it pulls me closer,
Love, it changes everything!
Everything is beautiful!
Even when the tears are falling,
I don't need a miracle to believe!
Even in the crashing down,
I can hear redemption calling,

And everything is beautiful to me!

potentially.

Good job!
Get 'em up way high,
Gimme gimme that high five!
Good time!
Get 'em way down low,
Gimme gimme that low dough.
Good god!
Bring 'em back again!
Gimme gimme that high ten!

You're the best definition of good intentions!

maybe.

You raise me up! so I can stand on mountains!
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong, when I am on Your shoulders,

You raise me up, to be more than I can be.

perhaps.

So darling, darling,
stand by me.
oooohhh, stand by me.
oh won't you stand,
stand by me.

Stand by me.