everything that you do

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on this blog. I usually only come here when I have something I really want to say. And while, lately, a lot of things have happened and a lot of things are changing, I haven't had a blog-like, coherent, enlightened thought to write here. Also, lacked the motivation to spend the time to write something that sounds cool enough to blog. Ha.

Reading past posts, I think that this blog makes me sound better than I am. As it is a compilation of my best thoughts, which I don't necessarily follow or think about all the time. Really, getting older - for me - has been a process of getting humbler, realizing more and more how inadequate I am. But I'm glad that is the case.

I used to be so arrogant. I thought I knew it all. Independent and strong. Mature and wise.

But now I regret that independence and strength. It has made me unable to be vulnerable, open, and trusting. I am proud and lazy. Un-reflective and unfeeling. Judgmental and fake.

I am so incompetent in this area of my life - the concept of sharing my concerns with others is so foreign to me, that I don't even know how to start. I mean, what is the standard? What do I tell as a legitimate concern and what is just my complaining and whinging and needs to be kept silent? And besides, people seem so busy. When do I tell them? And then I tell them, but most times it's incoherent and I start crying from the release of tension, and then I'm comforted - which makes me uncomfortable and bristle with resistance. Sometimes, I'd rather they just tell me to suck it up and get over it. Makes my issues smaller than they are and, thus, controllable. Manageable. Conquerable.

I'm not sure what I think, really, or how I feel, or what I am trying to say.

I just feel inadequate a lot of times. Well, more times than before. But maybe I'm trying to say that's a good thing.

A really good thing.