But as I stood my ground against the heavens, I needed to hear it said, hear it resound through the empty chasms of space, hear it echo off the walls of my heart.
You don’t exist.
What a fearful moment.
Terrifying, as I waited for the world to collapse around me, for the skies to unleash the floodgates, for tremors to open up the ground and swallow me whole.
Nothing. Truly, nothing happened.
Louder now.
You don’t exist. God, you do not exist.
Still, nothing.
Is that it?
Was that all I needed to do to be free?
Free from expectations,
free from obligations,
free from the watchful, judging eye of the Almighty?
Taking in a breath, I let it out slowly, watching my breath as it formed clouds in the night air.
Was it always this cold out here? I released the tension I didn’t know I had from the stiff shoulders.
God doesn’t exist.
God doesn’t exist, God doesn’t exist, God doesn’t exist, God is not here, God is not there, God is nowhere, God is not, God is NOT! What madness, what freedom! I can do what I want, when I want! Heaven? So? There’s no hell! The world is mine for the taking! I can pursue all my dreams, my hopes, my desires! The world is bigger now; the world is greater now! Watch out world, I’m coming! I’m finally paving my way through!
I let out another breath.
Was I holding my breath in all this time? And why is it so cold? And dark?
And why… why is the world so… big?
Was it always like this? I don’t remember the world being so… dark.
And lonely.
What am I saying? Of course I’m alone. That’s the point isn’t it? I’m alone! God is not there! God isn’t here or anywhere! I’m by myself now, on my own, free to do things my way, in my time, according to me! I don’t need something like “God.” Well, I do I have my friends and family. And they support me! “Go for your dreams!” they say, “Do what your heart tells you!” they assert. And I will! Now I can! Go for the gold! And what’s so wrong about that?
Nothing! Nothing is wrong! Nothing!
Nothing.
Is there anything?
How do I know that this isn’t all some dream?
How do I know if everything I worked hard for disappears tomorrow? How do I know my friends and family really care? What If they’re really just laughing at me when I’m not there? How do I know that this is really for me? How do I know if this is what I’m supposed to be doing? What if I regret? What if I realize that I’m not good at this and that I’m really good at something else and that is what I should be doing right now? How do I know if this is worth it? What if I end up wasting the next couple of years of my life following a path that ends with no rewards? How do I know that person is the one for me? What if there’s someone else out there who truly is the one? How do I know I’m happy? What if I’d be happier over there or somewhere else far from here? What if no matter what I do, I can’t change the things around me? What if I’m not good enough? What if… what if I die tomorrow?
Will people even remember me?
Will everything I work for even last a single day?
Why… Why am I even here?
What’s the point?
It’s so cold. And dark.
And lonely.
And I’m falling and falling and falling. The air rushes by me and all I hear is the swiftly speeding wind whistling through my ears. I grope blindly into the dark to try to grab onto something, anything. But everything falls with me. Nothing is firm. Nothing is stable. And I fall and fall and
fall
fall
fall
and
f
a
l
l
.
The cross.
Vaguely, I begin to recall the image of the cross.
I find my footing as I’m reminded by the stories from my childhood about a man from Nazareth, raised from humble beginnings, living a life numbered in days, ending unceremoniously with a punishment meant to execute criminals.
I remembered how he died for me.
For me.
He died.
Suffered.
Cried.
For me.
For me, who decided so confidently that he, in fact, did not exist, did not matter and meant nothing to me. For me, who so readily ran away with part of the inheritance to live a foolish and meaningless life of desires far from home. For me, who envies, who scoffs, who covets, who hates, who lies, who murders. For I who hated him, despised him, and betrayed He who loves me, embraces me, and forgives me.
I did nothing yet, for the sole fact that I am I, loves me. Whole-heartedly. Desperately. Unconditionally.
What grace!
What mercy!
That He would die for me even when I did not know Him!
That He came, not to this world to condemn it, but to save it from itself!
Oh, and as the deer pants for the waters, Lord, so my soul longs for You!
How exalted is Your name!
I am not alone!
For You are there to expect from me love, to obligate me to care for those around me, to watch and guide me all the moments of my life!
There is meaning to my life now. I can know that I can be happy here. I can know that this is what I was meant to do, born to do! I can walk purposefully forward, knowing that there is a heavenly destination, knowing that the journey there will not be taken alone or blindly.
How bright it is here! How warm it is here!
How great it is to be here where You are!
Oh, that’s right.
There’s still a matter to be resolved.
Did You know, Lord?
You exist.
DISCLAIMER: this is a fictional story, based on real emotions and thoughts of others and facts of the Gospel.
This is something that I was thinking about during the mini-concert at church today. I was suddenly struck with this little plot bunny, and, for once, I decided to jump on it and write it out and see what would come out from it. It didn't quite flow the way I had imagined. It's rough and jumpy and confusing at parts. grammatically, I know it's quite wrought with errors, but it's supposed to be stream-of-consciousness and you know you don't think to yourself with proper grammar.
I laugh at thee if you thought I was really blogging about how I now think God isn't.
PUAHAHAHA!!!
please, girlfriend. who do you think I am?
1 comment:
ahhaha your disclaimer was so very you. i really liked this. your style of writing is refreshing, especially when not limited by time or classroom. and the "falling" part reminded me of e.e. cummings (so this gets more brownie points ;9)
Post a Comment