PUAHAHAHA!!!

laaame.

2011-11-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

Dude, going back to some older posts on this blog, I realize that I'm such a loser.

Some of the lame, dumb stuff and writing on this thing. I'm embarrassed by myself.

Good thing no one reads this thing.
(I think... oh dear, I hope so.)

O Come, Come.

2011-11-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

Today's prayer meeting really... well, it was good. As I was praying, I... well...

I'm stuck.

I realized that again today. It's been a while since I've come to see that again. Stuck. Between what I want to do and what I also want to do. Those two parts of me raging battle in my chest, exchanging blows in my head, and struggling for dominance.

Stuck. Stuck in sin, stuck in desires for selfish comfort, entertainment, distraction. Yet, simultaneously, yearning for that selfless, humble, wonderfully rich life of the servant. God, what is wrong with me. What is wrong with all of us??

I'm just going to rant now about this horrible, broken world. Genocide, war, conflict, death and violence and starvation on a massive scale. Did you know that human trafficking is a 80 billion dollar per year industry? It is literally pure profit. There was a famine in Somalia this year that no one knew about. The genocide in Darfur is still going on and the UN hasn't done anything about it because they haven't decided how to categorize the issue yet. Refugee camps in Africa are purposely made to have horrible conditions, and it's costing hundreds of millions of dollars to sentence 5 top leaders of the Khmer Rouge to prison. The one man who was sentenced got only 15 years. The Khmer Rouge killed one fourth of the population in Cambodia in just under 4 years. Thailand, at one point, loaded a small boat of refugees and just set them afloat into the ocean with no provisions, because the country didn't want them.

And still, the dominant mantra of our day is "Follow your heart. Do whatever you desire. That'll make you happy." And people wonder why our world is failing?

I'm banging my head against the wall. Repeatedly. The problem is not the system. It's not those people over there. It's YOU. It's ME. It's US. And this entire world is stuck, stuck, in this never-ending cycle of sin and pain and selfishness, and I'm stuck because I can't seem to get over myself, stuck in this world that's stuck in it's failed institutions of men. I look at people's lives and I'm just overcome with a sense of emptiness. I look at myself and feel like such an idiot.

What's wrong with us? Us. Really. It's us. Godless, directionless, without standards and boundaries. We just do whatever we feel like. We just "follow our hearts". Well, so do corrupt CEOs, fascist authoritarians, drug cartel bosses, and kidnappers.

O come, o come Emmanuel,
and ransom captive Israel!

Come God, 'cause, dude... for years and years, humans have been trying to fix themselves. It's not working. For years and years, I've been trying to fix myself. It's not working. Even with God, it's freaking hard. But man, I can't do it on my own. I'm stuck. And the only thing that has ever worked for me, even a little, is God. The Great Un-Stucker.

Un-stuck me, God. Ransom captive Israel! God With Us, Emmanuel.

Marchin' On

2011-11-07T22:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in this thing in a while (I think I say this a lot).

I have friendships, purpose, and fulfillment that so many can only dream and wonder about. My life in Christ really is the way to live.

something along the lines of

2011-08-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

something along the lines of the last post that I posted on Jfer's tumblr thing.

Inadequacy is the name of the game I’m playing lately. I’ve always thought that as you get older, that’s something only immature, dumb kids play; once you get older, you graduate from such things and move into the cool confidence of competence. It’s a scary game, and half the time I’m looking down and utterly shocked that I haven’t plummeted to the ground and landed in an unimpressive heap of failure and disappointments. And far from what I believed as a child, I see that maturity is further realizing one’s inadequacies than moving away from them. Kind of like walking on a tightrope in the fog, thinking that as you walk farther along, you’ll realize that the ground is actually a soft, bouncy material, only to notice as the fog rolls away that you’re hundreds of feet off of a very hard and very solid floor.

What I want to say, though, is that, ultimately, feelings of inadequacy is okay. More than okay, really, especially when we have the promise of God who gives us strength in weakness, who makes all paths straight, and who makes all things possible. In competence, I only found myself and that has made me arrogant and insecure and alone. In inadequacy, I find grace and companionship. I find God and I find you, my peers, and God’s church, who haven’t kicked me out on my bum, but rather continue to accept me and forgive me.

In that, inadequacy has given me far more than competence has. So, if you’re feeling the same as I am, maybe that’s a good thing after all.

everything that you do

2011-07-26T01:37:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on this blog. I usually only come here when I have something I really want to say. And while, lately, a lot of things have happened and a lot of things are changing, I haven't had a blog-like, coherent, enlightened thought to write here. Also, lacked the motivation to spend the time to write something that sounds cool enough to blog. Ha.

Reading past posts, I think that this blog makes me sound better than I am. As it is a compilation of my best thoughts, which I don't necessarily follow or think about all the time. Really, getting older - for me - has been a process of getting humbler, realizing more and more how inadequate I am. But I'm glad that is the case.

I used to be so arrogant. I thought I knew it all. Independent and strong. Mature and wise.

But now I regret that independence and strength. It has made me unable to be vulnerable, open, and trusting. I am proud and lazy. Un-reflective and unfeeling. Judgmental and fake.

I am so incompetent in this area of my life - the concept of sharing my concerns with others is so foreign to me, that I don't even know how to start. I mean, what is the standard? What do I tell as a legitimate concern and what is just my complaining and whinging and needs to be kept silent? And besides, people seem so busy. When do I tell them? And then I tell them, but most times it's incoherent and I start crying from the release of tension, and then I'm comforted - which makes me uncomfortable and bristle with resistance. Sometimes, I'd rather they just tell me to suck it up and get over it. Makes my issues smaller than they are and, thus, controllable. Manageable. Conquerable.

I'm not sure what I think, really, or how I feel, or what I am trying to say.

I just feel inadequate a lot of times. Well, more times than before. But maybe I'm trying to say that's a good thing.

A really good thing.

SysTheo

2011-07-14T00:36:00.000-07:00

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried."
— G.K. Chesterton

Cake Emoticon

2011-06-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be a senior.

That scares me.

brussels

2011-04-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

first blog w/o a title... oh wait...

2011-03-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have a Holga photoblog at tumblr. Though it doesn't get updated frequently.

puahahaha.tumblr.com

nippon

2011-03-13T21:00:00.001-07:00

Isn't it interesting

that people say things

like:

"I don't believe in a god,

but

I will pray for you."

As if,

sometimes,

they hope

that something like

a good god

does exist

because our own human effort doesn't seem to be

enough;

we pray that something

great,

beyond our capacity,

will occur.

快可立

2011-03-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

my stomach hurts.

had I the world

2011-02-16T02:22:00.000-08:00

I find that humans are inconsolably, infinitely lonely beings. Not one or two or three or, even, a hundred people can ever fill that void. What pitiful creatures we are, that one could gain the entire world and still have nothing.

As dreary as this all may sound, I am glad for it. This simply means that we are too big for this world. We were meant for something more.

this blog is so neglected

2011-02-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've realized how many things I'm doing. Juggling Kairos Ops, praise band, Interhigh, ministry, friends (also important!), classes and studying, my part-time job, and, now this year, looking for internships - well, there's just a lot. Balancing relationships and work and class and responsibilities, knowing how to keep afloat, keep the finances stable, and keep yourself fed and rested, and then find time to exercise (which I have not done yet...). Golly gee wizz, life is complicated.

There is always the possibility of those vague shimmers of that individualistic dream, one that is free, unbounded, not obligated - one in which you answer to yourself and only yourself and your desires. Wherever the wind takes you, whatever your heart desires. And in our modern day society, how praised that kind of life is. It's encouraged, even. That life, as opposed to the planted, rooted, boring, complicated life of the responsible.

Ultimately though, I found something more important to me than myself. More important than building myself up, more important than following and fulfilling all the whims of the heart. I found people to love, to care for, and people who love and care for me. What can I say? I'm a sucker for these people.

Richness, I see now, can only be reaped after you've sown and watered for a bit. You just scatter seeds but don't stick around long enough to see them grow. And then what? No strawberries. If you get my metaphor.

That means that if I plan on sticking around longer, I need to know how to balance. It's an increasing sign of maturity, to be obligated and commit and fulfill those obligations, whether they are to other people or to your job or to school, what not. And I want to reach that level of maturity, of richness really. I want to be a rich person, and that can only happen through my ability to do a lot and yet enjoy all those things, not break down, not give up, but inexorably though perhaps not perfectly, bind myself down, to, and for.

A part of me will always want to just go with the flow and toss everything away for freedom. But I need to remember that I can't live my life always wondering if it's better over there.

That feeling, I realize, is because we all seek the ultimate "over there": paradiso, utopia, up there... you know, heaven. God has placed eternity in our hearts and we will always long for the over there. But the over there is not here on earth. It's there. Way up there.

But a piece of that over there can be found in the people who I commit my life to, the people who commit their lives to me, in this community of farmers and fighters, shepherds and soldiers. I see a glimmer of that over there in the people I decide I love.

Somehow, if something takes me away from here, I hope that I will hold onto here, rather than forget and let go. And become a person of multiple connections, like a web that stretches beyond space and time - deeply, strongly, and beautifully.

For now, though, I need to stop wasting time, stop stalling time and try to pretend I have all the time in the world. I'm twenty-freaking-one now and there are people depending on me, relying on me. I'm a sucker for these people. There's no way I plan on letting them down.

in preperation for

2010-12-13T18:41:00.000-08:00

veni, veni Emmanuel,
captivum solve Israel
qui gemit in exilio
privatus Dei filio.

gaude! gaude! Emmanuel
nascetur pro te, Israel!

Walking and Waiting

2010-12-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

As junior year is speeding to its half-way point, I find myself mildly disappointed in myself while simultaneously surprised at my growth. I've stumbled upon a huge realization that I thought I once knew but now, I see, I didn't really understand before:

I have no control.

I've said this in previous posts, about slowly learning, again and again, how I lack complete control and mastery of the situations and people around me, yet I am still learning how so true that this is. (With that being said, it's amazing how many times we need to learn a lesson we thought we knew, only to find we never really knew it before!) No matter what I do, I cannot force change on people. I can do only what I can do - give advice, support, and encouragement - but I cannot expect them to change tomorrow, change next week, or even - even - in five years. Just looking at myself and how long it took me to learn and change, well, certainly, it takes a lot for someone to change. Perhaps I have watched too many TV shows, movies, read too many comics and stories, in which people change so quickly - one properly, perfectly timed word and BAM! They suddenly see the error in their ways and make significant steps toward redemption or something. But in reality, most often it takes years. Really. Years.

There are things out of my hands, out of my control. And while this does not excuse me from doing nothing then (by no means am I to Let Go and Let God and, with such attitudes, justify complacency and laziness), it gives me a measure of peace. God provides. He is truly trustworthy. He is sovereign.

In all this, I have learned to wait. To be patient. Things don't always have to get done the best possible way I can think of, but things can be a little less polished and nice if it helped someone to gain a little confidence, a little experience, if it helped me to enjoy the journey and the people than fly on by to the product, if it helped everyone get a little closer and a little wiser. Things don't have to be perfect. In fact, the futile struggle towards such is exactly that: futile. Sure, we want to do things well, but I do not have to stress about the sheer imperfection of it all that often leaves me quick to annoyance, hasty decisions, and stubbornness that pushes people away and leaves me alone as the supposed sole voice of reason and rightness.

Things are not perfect as I am not perfect. A patience, then, also from my own coming-to-terms with my failures. I fail as others do; so how much more should I be patient and excuse them as others have excused me?

I'm horribly unprepared for the future and I've done an atrocious job in keeping up with my classes. I've made horrendous lapses of sound judgment in dealings with my friends and I've purposely ignored some people and avoided others, made vague my answers to hide the truth, and found myself breaking promises I made to myself.

One would think by now, I'd have grown out of much foolishness. But on the contrary, I just discover more and more. I'm coming to be better at facing them, though. Better at accepting, better at learning. And, maybe, in the end, that is all we can really do. We can never fully grow out of selfishness, of foolishness, of pride and shame and sin, but we can get better at learning, at changing, at honesty with others and with oneself.

We may always be taking two steps forwards, one step back - but it's forwards, nonetheless. Granted, it's a slow process. But, as they say, good things come to those who wait and, if nothing else, I think I can do at least that.

Stuffy Nose

2010-11-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

Hush little baby, don't you cry.
Mama's always here, lying by your side.
When at night, you feel alone,
Reach out your hand and find my own.
I'll be there to hold you tight,
'Cause Mama's always here, standing by your side.

- was thinking of what other lyrics would fit. I like my version. :)

I briefly considered starting a group email like this...

2010-11-15T01:06:00.000-08:00

"I've decided to turn this process of decision making into a monarchy because, last time, democracy was stressing everyone out - and was horribly inefficient. If you have any concerns, however, you may relay those concerns to my secret police and I'm sure they will bring them to me in a quick, orderly, and accurate fashion, as history has proven such groups to be. If you have nothing to say, then, just follow my impeccable orders and keep your heads down, and all this shall be over for the better before you know it.

Thank you."

Sadly, my humor is not for everyone.

Committment

2010-10-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

"For once in your life, stand up for something! Stand up for something and dare to be persecuted, ridiculed, insulted for it!

For once in your life, bear the burden of things greater than yourself."

-musings from the shower...

the sole aim of reaching

2010-09-30T00:01:00.002-07:00

"How does it come then that from the bitterness of life we can pluck fruit so sweet as in mourning and weeping and sighing and the utterance of our woe? Are all these things such relief to our misery because of our hope that You hear them?"

Confessions, St. Augustine

Don't you think it's interesting that when we cry, we expect that they should be heard, even when we're alone?

2010-09-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

-Lao Tzu

Scattegories

2010-08-26T00:28:00.001-07:00

I feel like I should actually write something about these past months and days. I mean, holy shite, when the end of May rolled around, I didn't expect such a crazy two, three months. I really feel like I made this incredible jump from sophomore to junior, from being a 동생 to 언니 status.

I grew so much this summer: Interhigh small church services, the China trip, Upperclassman Discipleship Retreat, Welcome Week activities... Looking back, I feel like I really have changed, even though I barely recognized it when it happened. I'd like to spend some more time really trying to put this experience into a few, eloquent words but I need to sleep soon and get ready for my first official day as a junior and get ready for class.

To end then, I just want to say... I want to love people. I wish I could communicate to everyone I meet how much God loves them and how much I want to love them in turn. I find myself emotionally investing in people more now, more so then sophomore year, even more so then the beginning of the China trip. I feel like I'm about to burst with enthusiasm; I'm so close to forcing them to come out and like us, chaining them and dragging them out! Not really, but that sort of sentiment is there. It's like I really want to see them more and get to know them; them: anyone and everyone who will listen, who I can meet and just get to talk to.

With all this, I feel so ridiculously foolish for my pride and insecurity, that I would let such things hinder me from reaching out and doing more, that I would be so self-focused.

I hope that I can continue along this vein and not burn out, but burn on and on with the eternal fire and life that God provides, with the urgency and excitement that comes with doing His work, motivated and driven from now to the end by an unconditional, beautiful, and healing, life-giving love.

:D

2010-08-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

Marvelous Light

2010-06-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Gee, I'm a junior in college. 20 years old.

Rent-paying, bill-getting, furniture-owning ADULT.

It's sort of weird to think that I'm not the same I that I was when I was 10, or 15, or 18, yet I still am I. I suppose that doesn't make too much sense. I think I really understand what Pastor Ed meant when he said that the life of a college student is one constantly in change. And as I face my 3rd year in college, stepping ever closer to a real, job-going, income-earning adult, I feel like I should be overcome with vertigo. I'm mildly fascinated by the fact that I haven't plummeted to the ground as I take further steps into the unknown future (and, not to be morbid, closer to my death, but hey, who's counting the years anyway? Not like we celebrate something like that every year with cake and presents.) which, really, I've come to realize this past year, cannot be controlled, however hard you plan. I feel as if every plan I had come to make this year failed.

I also realize I have a lot of power, power to change and to impact the people I talk to, the people I meet, the people whose lives I unwittingly find mine brushing against. I found the power of a simple life, a single word, a solitary action to lightly yet significantly influence the course of others' lives. I know because I too have been changed by such seemingly inconsequential brushes that play such large parts to bring me to where I am.

Sophomore year was really long yet really short, dragged on too long yet sped by too fast. It's so strange that I've only known the Kairos girls for a year, that just two years ago around this time, I had graduated from high school. I can't remember feeling that young (like those Interhigh kids, who just seem so confused, so unknowing, so... so young), only feeling so old, feeling like I was running out of time before I'm giving my kids a ride to soccer practice, before I'm expected to know everything and do everything and be everything.

There was a lot of joy in the past year and also a lot of painful growing, a lot of stress and pressure and worries, but also a lot of people and places - which really makes it all worth-while.

I thank God so much for all His provisions, surrounding me with such blessings, making sure every step I take into that uncontrollable future lands not through dark air of nothingness, but on a solid path into a bright future, however unknown it may be to me. I find the path full with people, those who care and love and accept even in the midst of those who don't.

Looking forward, rather than being blinded by a dreary darkness, I'm blinded by a marvelous light.

A little something.

2010-06-13T02:07:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to be a burden."

2010-05-27T21:21:00.000-07:00

I don't think I know what it means to let others share my problems and burdens.

memories

2010-05-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

"I don't deserve forgiveness."

"That's why it's called forgiveness. It's given, not earned."

the reflections of a 20 year-old

2010-05-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

I HATE STUDYING. kthnxbye.

THE SEVEN CHAIRS:

2010-04-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

The fifth one ended up in France.

9,999,995,999 points for the person who recognizes where this is from.

hold the hand that holds the world.

2010-04-21T00:08:00.000-07:00

Something insightful for once:

I guess recently, I have been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by work, by summer plans, by finances, by concern for my parents, by apartment hunting, by responsibility, and by my sheer ineptitude to handle all of this. More so, I feel overwhelmed by the people I need to care for and love in my life and how I seem to constantly fail to do so. At this realization, I finally let go and gave it all to God. And so I find myself overwhelmed by the grace of He who loves me.

And I know I'm weak,
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your Name.
But because of grace, because of Your Mercy,
I stand here unashamed.

EMILY.

2010-04-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

<--- reads from right to left
for my stalker.

regime

2010-04-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

Klug first outlines how intellectual property rights – once considered a domestic issue – became a globalized regime, standardized and pushed forward by corporations. Then he contextualizes the struggle for essential medicines in South Africa and its HIV/AIDS pandemic. Thirdly, he explores the interactions of international institutions, social movements, and domestic politics in the struggle for different initiatives and how TRIPS regime was challenged. Klug aims to ultimately argue that Eunkyung Christine Seo is so awesome and she should not have to do this assignment.

original

2010-04-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

John Rawls proposes two principles of justice: one, “the principle of greatest equal liberty” and two, “the principle of (fair) equality of opportunity” and “the different principle” (Rawls 1971, 124). To validate these principles, he argues that they are only natural conclusions to be made from the fair process he calls the “original position”. Rawls establishes certain conditions and limitations – the “veil of ignorance” – to ensure the impartiality of the procedure. However, the conditions of the veil of ignorance are not as fair as he claims. Since Rawls created the original procedure to justify his principles, it actually tilts favorably toward them. I argue that the original position is not a legitimately objective procedure to produce principles of justice because it is biased to produce those principles, but more so for the fact that he is an annoying poopy-head for writing a 600 page book on justice.

Rationality

2010-04-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

<--- read from right to left

Without without.

2010-03-01T23:46:00.000-08:00

I told myself that I would, whatever I chose to do, put everything into it.

In high school, I really stretched myself too thin. It really came crashing down by junior year. I was trying to do Key Club, Academic Decathlon, and the Speech and Debate team, not to mention handling school courses, SAT classes, and piano. Because I couldn't devote myself enough to each one, I missed out fully experiencing what each had to offer. I got cut from AcaDeca after a summer and a semester of hours of studying, I lost my election to Lieutenant Governor (and District Secretary) for Key Club, I barely competed for Speech and Debate and did poorly when I did, barely got through my classes, didn't get scores as high as I could have on the SAT, and practiced an hour or two of piano a week when it demanded at least 2 hours a day. I didn't learn as much as I could have. I wasn't as close to people as I should have been. And I was tired.

In senior year, I tried to make things different. I told myself, Key Club or Decathlon. I knew I couldn't do both, and I knew Speech and Debate, by this point, was out of the picture. I chose Decathlon and even though we might not have won, I grew so much from that experience. I got really close to my team. I spent good times with good people. I worked hard along with my teammates. And I learned so much about people and myself.

I realize that the more I invested my efforts into something, the more I got out of it. The more I invested into Key Club, the more I got better at meeting new people, taking on responsibilities, and be a leader. The more I invested into Speech and Debate, the more I learned how to write, to step out of my comfort zone, and to speak in front of people. The more I practiced piano, the more I appreciated music, the more I could play beautifully. The more I studied for Decathlon, the more I learned about my limits, my studying habits, and my determination. I cried more, struggled more, but laughed so much more than that.

I daresay that there isn't much to disagree with that.

So then, tell me, why is it so bad to invest my time into church? It's something I truly care about. And if I want to get the most out of it, then I need to put my most into it. As with anything else. That's not to say I'm in church just for myself. Rather, I want to invest my time into what I chose to do and make sure to make sure of my choice.

So you know what? Church is not sucking my life away. It is not stealing me away from having fun. Church is not harming me in some way by taking up my time. Please stop laying this double standard onto it.

You'll have to choose to put your time into something. Whether that be a business frat or a charitable cause, your classes or parties, art, music, or dance, or even just drowning your time away online on Facebook, you will choose. You may already have. One of the things I chose is my faith because I believe that God is real and I believe that influences the way I live my life. I believe in this man named Jesus, who is also God and died and rose from the dead and I believe this impacts my view of the world and of the people around me.

I decided on investing my time and efforts into my church; this church, though much vilified by many, is the one I have always wanted as a young middle school kid, torn from friends and community and made skeptical because of church politics and drama; this church that took in a freshman like me and immediately accepted me for no reason of my own; this church that decided that they should take their faith seriously even though so many have not and, consequently, ruined so many lives; this church that tries so hard to love people despite their, our, weaknesses and flaws; this church that has failed many times before, as all things have and do, but continues on as best as they can.

And if you have decided to look into Christianity, then do not do it halfheartedly. Investigate everything; do not walk away without all the answers, without the full truth.

Do what you chose to do. I realize in our non-commitment, instant-gratification society, something like that is so hard to do. Such a path is not easy and fraught with risks and pain. It may seem stupid. But I think its dumber not to commit. You will never get anything meaningful out of life if you just coast on by without choosing and doing.

As Yoda put it: Do or do not. There is no try.

Sacred

2010-02-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

Basically what happened is that tonight, I went to watch this documentary about shellmounds, sacred Native American burial sites. I am working with the IPOC to help protect rights and awareness for that. One part, they talked about religious freedom and the right to believe and practice what they wanted, and how in the past, young Native Americans were forced to go to schools to "civilize" and Christianize them. And I just kept thinking, "STUPID STUPID OLD CHRISTIANS WITH YOUR IDIOTIC VIEWS MAKING US ALL LOOK BAD." For me, God and my faith has always been one about love and acceptance. Christianity is not about right-ness, or morals. It's about a love so vast, so deep, so high that defies even death.

I just imagined this scene where someone new walks into the church doors, and even though no one in that church knows that person or what kind of views that person has, that everyone would turn to them and welcome them, as if they were coming back home or coming to visit close friends that they haven't seen for a long time. I imagined this happening even if they knew the person wasn't a Christian and stuff. Man, wouldn't that be sweet? That the church would become the vehicle, not of violence and hatred, but of love, as God had planned it to be?

I guess that's why I love the church I am in now in Berkeley. A lot of people have harsh criticisms, even hate it, think it's exclusive, intolerable, etc. But I have never been at a church that loves so much, loves God so deeply, loves people so beautifully.

Ok, now for something completely irrelevant!
This awesome opera Byron showed me.
Just two verses. :D

Fate, as vicious
as capricious,
whirling your merry-go-round:
evil doings,
worthless wooings,
crumble away to the ground:
darkly stealing,
unrevealing,
working against me you go:
for your measure
of foul pleasure
I bare my back to your blow.

Noble actions,
true transactions,
no longer fall to my lot:
powers to make me
then to break me
all play their parts in your plot:
now seize your time -
waste no more time,
pluck these poor strings and let go:
since the strongest
fall the longest
let the world share in my woe.

ISN'T THAT COOL?!?!?!?!

For Whom It May Concern,

2010-02-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

I find it hard to love you.

Oh sure, smiling when I see you and hugging you affectionately are fine and dandy. Want to talk for hours the night before my essay's due? How about give you advice, promise to be there for you, tell you you're special? Sure, no problem. Tell me to jump, I won't even ask how high, I'll jump as high as I can before you even finish that sentence.

But how about when I have to tell you you're not so special after all? What if I can't promise to be there for you, because I do have to be at work right now and my boss won't let me off to help you? What if the advice you need to hear is not the advice you want to hear, the advice you have been overbearingly been told by everyone and you just don't want to hear it from me, please, but I've got to tell you anyway because you aren't listening. What if all I have to offer are smiles and hugs but nothing much more to change the reality of everything?

What happens when what I have to tell you might make you despise me?

Do I have enough love to bear your hate?

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18

F.Y.I. This is written to no one in particular, so don't ask me if I have a BF or anything.
Seriously people, there is more love out there than just romantic love.

the Bus.

2010-02-22T12:49:00.000-08:00

"God created things which had free will.

That means creatures which can go either wrong or right. Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong; I cannot. If a thing is free to be good, it is free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible.

Why, then did God give them free will?

Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata - of creatures that worked like machines - would hardly be worth creating.

The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water.

And for that they must be free."

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

branches

2010-02-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains.
Hope that doesn’t ever end,
Even when the sky is falling.
And I’ve seen miracles just happen,
Silent prayers get answered,
Broken hearts become brand new.

That’s what faith can do.

Dated: Nov. 30, 2009

2010-02-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

me: ugh, hate my life sometimes
shimi: why? chinese + korean?
me: yup
s: hahahahha oh christine you never cease to amaze anyone
me: can i stop amazing people and just live the rest of my life in peace, preferably asleep?
s: LOL that's called death without an afterlife sweetie... or sleeping beauty
me: well, ...i'd wake sometimes, to eat you know?
s: i knew it! i was about to put "to eat?" ahhahaha you fatty

Any Ocean

2010-02-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

It's been a while.

Justice

2010-01-19T17:11:00.001-08:00

As people in Haiti are struggling to survive beneath tons of rubble, clutching on to the slim hope of rescue, I'm getting screwed over by college class admissions and financial aid.

I'm pissed.

Especially Normal

2009-12-30T14:59:00.000-08:00

When I ride my bike back to my apartment from class, when I sit eating ice cream with my friend by the street-side, when I see happy kids with their parents, when I help Etty bake cookies in our warm apartment on a winter day, when I spend time with Deca playing a silly board game, when in these moments I stop and think, I smile and feel blessed. I think that as long as these small moments exist, as long as these regularities continue to fill our lives, life isn't so bad after all. Even though, at the moment, thousands, millions, are crying, dying, suffering, even though, at the moment, the world is far from peaceful, far from hopeful, as long as, at the moment, billions of these little moments exist and continue to be played out in everyone's lives, the world still has peace, still has hope.

It'd be nice if we all could learn to appreciate these unappreciated moments of our lives.

I feel that it is in the mundane that we can find something truly special.

The Mission: Code Name, CHRISTMAS

2009-12-25T16:10:00.000-08:00

I think the image of Christmas we often have is one of Christmas trees, ribbon-topped presents, a fat old man in a red and white outfit, bright lights, and last minute performance practice. We think of a little baby in a bed of hay, surrounded by mules and pigs, by a young couple, by three men with gifts, and young shepherd boys.

This year, though, I wondered what the Christmas scene was like from heaven's point of view. I imagined all the angels would be really excited and anxious. Their Lord, their God is going to earth! After all this time, from since the beginning of time, it's almost as if all history was waiting for this moment. If history was a movie, this moment would be when the hero finally comes onto the scene. This is Batman putting on his mask, checking his belt of cool gadgets, and jumping into his Batmobile. This is Neo just as he gets unhooked from the Matrix and starting his journey to become the One. This is... well this is epic. More epic than any of those movies put together.

God, infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, looks down at the world and sees a people who need to be saved. He knows He needs to do something, but before, the time wasn't right. So God waits, the angels wait, wait for the right moment. All the while, people are sinning, are falling, are crying, waiting for something, someone to come to save them. Finally, God sees Mary and Joseph, and He looks at the world. The angels wait in baited breaths. God speaks in a quiet yet firm voice. "It is time." It is not loud and booming, for He knows the great sacrifice that will be made now, but the words still echo throughout heaven. I imagined at that time, there was a great silence and then suddenly a great flurry of whispers. "Now? Now's the time?" and then, all the angels burst out into song. "It is time! Time for the redemption of men to begin!" And all the while, God sits silently on His throne, determined yet saddened for what is to come. I imagine Jesus now, telling His Father, "Father, I am You, I am Yours, Your Servant. Send Me. I am ready."

And so, little baby Jesus was born into the world. This is when I think of the lyrics to this song, called "I Celebrate the Day." One of the lyrics says, "And the first time, That You opened Your eyes, did You realize that You would be my Savior. And the first breath that left Your lips, Did You know that it would change this world forever?"

This is the Christmas story.
It's not just a tie to get presents and toys, not just a time to eat good food, not just a simple story of a baby's birth. This is a story of the epic proportions. Jesus stepped into this world. He, timeless, stepped into time. He, boundless, became bound. He, all-powerful, born as a powerless baby. All for what?

To save the world from itself.

To save us.

To save you.

Wow, what an amazing story this is.

Changes...

2009-12-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

...something to think about.

Ravioli

2009-12-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

I fail at studying.

I guarantee it; this is not a Lie.

2009-12-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

I went back to middle school to retake some classes. I felt quite old and out of place, sitting on the concrete in front of the bungalow classrooms with these little kids. I was sitting with the Spanish 1 class, and I saw a girl from my German 1 class in high school. When I was a senior in high school, she was a freshman, so I figured she was a junior by now. I dreaded having class with her again; she was an annoying, whiny freshman. I hoped that my previous experience of Spanish would help me skip a couple of grades. Looking around, I saw Grace Lam sitting with another class. I was glad that I wasn't the only college student here; I felt like an idiot.

Soon, we were sitting in pews, holding thin paper boxes of green and blue, which had lyrics of a Christian praise song on the front. We were holding them up in the air as we sang. The non-Christians just looked really confused and out of place. Will Wu was in another pew, directing a group of kids. I needed to go to the restroom, so I went outside and found the restroom building. It wasn't very clean, and the toilet seat covers were so small that I had to use two, laying side-by-side on the seat. There wasn't much toilet paper either. As I sat, trying to poo, a bunch of girls walked in, talking loudly and what not, and I kept sitting there, really trying to poo but couldn't. Finally, I gave up and went out.

Outside, I saw these people wearing partial tiger outfits on top of their clothes and on their heads. They were showing support for the Kyuubi. Someone (was it me?) called out Pikachu to battle the Kyuubi/tiger Digimon thing. But somehow, it was on Pikachu's side, and Pikachu de-Digivolved, giving it's energy to the now-cat-like animal Digimon so it could Digivolve to the next level.

All in all, it was just really uncomfortable not being able to poop.

Fishers

2009-12-03T17:06:00.001-08:00

I saw a homeless person sitting in the Asian Ghetto, eating out a of to-go plastic tray with his hands. At first I was repulsed. Surely his hands are dirty, I thought. That's going to make him sick. I wondered why he didn't grab utensils with his meal or, if he got it from someone else, why there wasn't utensils with it.

Then I thought, he looked... not lonely, but alone? If that makes any sense. He just sat eating. No one gave him much mind. People didn't avoid him or approach him. He just sat. Just sat and ate, every once in a while wiping his hand on his blue, worn jeans after having shoveled a small hand-full of food (was it rice?) into his mouth. I thought of my Global Poverty class, and strove not to criminalize his existence, to blame his homelessness on imagined-laziness. No, he was just another guy who fell through the cracks, unnoticed and unseen, silently fading into the background of our lives.

At a loss of what to do, I just prayed. Somehow for him to know that he wasn't alone. That there was hope. I didn't have the gall to just sit beside him and ask him how he was, reminding me again of my sinful self, again that I lacked that perfect love Apostle Paul claimed drove out all fear.* Although I could not love that man enough, I knew God does. Although my prayer was small, I know God's heart is big.

I knew that, one day, there will be no more crying, no more pain, no more mourning. That God will wipe every tear from our eyes.** I don't know how my little action of noticing him changed anything, but somehow, I knew God would use that. God works, even when I do not, cannot, even when I choose not to.

I wonder how God will use this man to change the world.

*1 John 4:18
**Revelation 21:4

Tiji

2009-11-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

palm, forehead.
bullet, head.
desk, face.
bam.
bam.
BAM.

hate. finals.<--- reads from right to left

be with you

2009-11-23T23:13:00.000-08:00

Listening to good music while making chocolate cookies with Betty at 11:10pm at our apartment.

Life can be quite good after all.

In You, I find my peace

2009-11-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord my God in You I put my trust
Oh Lord my God in You I put my hope
Oh Lord my God in You I put my trust
Oh Lord my God in You I put my hope

CHORUS:
In You In You I find my peace
In You In You I find my strength
In You I live and move and breathe
Let everything I say and do
Be founded by my faith in You
I lift up holy hands and sing
Let the praises ring!

Oh Lord my God to You I give my hands
Oh Lord my God to You I give my feet
Oh Lord my God to You I give my everything
Oh Lord my God to You I give my life

-Let the Praises Ring, Lincoln Brewster

Just a good reminder today while stressing about school and classes and grades.
Awesome song, not to mention awesome guitar riffs. :D

Remember to Remember

2009-11-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

Prayer meeting was communion today.

I had actually fell a little asleep at first. When my eyes closed, I felt sleep take over. I just felt so tired. But after a bit, Pastor Ed called for 30 minutes of praise and prayer, during which time you would get up when you felt like it to take the “bread” and the “wine”. Then I really wanted to pray, pray for understanding, pray to feel for once. I wanted to not just know Jesus’ sacrifice in my head, but feel it in my heart and I just prayed. And I just tried to break down those walls. And I prayed and I got the shivers. And so I prayed some more and then tears came trickling down. And I prayed. And I remembered high school. Not specific moments but high school in general. Somehow I just knew, I felt that God was with me all that time. And I felt how God was with me now and how He was with me all this time. How good it was to finally feel again, finally have my heart stirred and tears come down so much that my body shook. I just kept repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. oh, how I was so sorry.

There were so much to be sorry for and I could barely put it into words and I feared putting them into words, ‘cause, goodness, I’m so d**n good at putting things into words but how often I fail to feel those words. I’m so good and saying I’m a sinner and knowing I’m a sinner, but how often I fail to feel like a sinner. I didn’t want to put them to words because I didn’t want to lose this feeling; I was afraid I’d stop feeling, so I just kept saying, “I’m sorry, oh I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.” And “Thank you, thank you. Oh God, thank you." Thank you for loving me. Thank you, thank you. Surely I am here and able to be happy, surely I was able to not be lonely because You were there, You are here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I just wanted to care again, feel again, love again. To worry, really worry. To care. To cry. To feel. And how stupid I was, so stupid, so shallow, so silly. I told Him that I’d stop daydreaming. I did. And I will.

I remember taking that bread and the wine and holding in my hand and I could barely put it in my mouth because that, that was Jesus’ blood and flesh. This is His suffering, His death, His pain. And after I had put the bread in my mouth and chewed, I cried, His sacrifice renewed. And how I hesitated to drink that wine, just overwhelmed by His love. Oh God, how You love me. Communion had never been so real before.

I’m sorry, so sorry. I am so sorry. And Thank You, thank You. Thank You so much.

I am

2009-11-13T01:43:00.000-08:00

I talked to Ryl about Interhigh and Christianity in general. She told me about her father who was a minister, but left her and her three brothers and mother for another family. She talked about how, when she met him again after so many years, she felt that he was still selfish, didn’t ask her about her life at all, and had never before bothered to contact her. She told me how, at his death, his other children and his congregation thought he was so great and awesome and how she couldn’t see that because he was so selfish. I tried to let her see that Interhigh was about trying to stop that, that ideally, Christianity is not that. We talked about practicing as key.

She said that she really appreciated the times when I just asked her how she was, just a simple question, that made her feel cared for when she had surgery and the doctor screwed up and she couldn’t eat. She talked about how Jn, though a Christian, an “upstanding young man,” and who goes to the same church as I do, didn’t ever ask her how she was and how she always had to ask first. She was saying how, even though he is Christian he didn’t ask, and how others, not Christian, did.

She had just a misconception of Christianity that it was hard to tackle then. But luckily, I think I got her to separate Christian ideals with Christians themselves, because Christian ideals represent God and Jesus. Christians, though we try to be like Jesus, are still sinful and weak. I think she had this idea that Christianity was some moral law that people followed. But in fact, at its core, it’s not a belief of morals, it’s a belief of the wickedness and failure of mankind in the light of a loving, gracious God. Christians are weak, hypocritical, unfriendly, mean, etc. because we are human. Yet despite that, we are loved, forgiven, accepted and we try, try, try to do what we can because of the God who is the light and goodness in us, and allows us to be able to even begin to be good.

She thought that Christianity is about forgiveness no matter what which allows you to do whatever you want, which again is another misconception. But she needed to go home and I needed to work. But she seemed genuinely interested in Interhigh and wanted to hear a lot about it. On Monday, I hope to show her more about real Christianity and open her heart to it. God, please help Ryl to see You and know truth. Let not her father’s actions and life block her from the Gospel. And what little I can do for her, I pray You multiply. I know You can and will. May I and Jn and Ala be people of blessing in her life, who can show her the light of the Savior, Your light Lord. Amen.

I guess, it really goes to show you, how much people expect from Christians. How the world labels us and expects something from us. Stereotypes us, really. Judges us more harshly, more cynically. And I thought how hard that must be to accept if you're looking into Christianity and maybe thinking about it. Like, why would you want to be labeled in this way?

But, it's a label I joyfully carry. I think we're all going to be labeled in one way or another; I accept the label as a Christian and all that comes with it. I'm going to do my best, as much as I can, to properly represent this label of mine, which is more than a label to me: it's an identity. It's who I am.

And another thing, going back to this blog post, even a simple question of, "How are you today Ryl?" can really make an impact. Sometimes your smallest actions speak the loudest.

Cheatin', Cheatin', Cheatin'

2009-11-08T21:34:00.001-08:00

I've got serious problems with focusing.

RAWR.

The Politics and Antipolitics of NGO Practices

2009-11-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

Freaking cold in Main stacks...

... and in my heart, where peace roams like a ship without safe harbor, so distant doth it seem from me. And in it's place, thee harsh paper deadlines, tests, and finals loometh. How these fiends reign so coldly in my heart. Here therein lies no refuge for the weary, ghostly and waning from waiting, waiting, waiting for what shall not and may never come.

Try-to-see-if-we-can-help-save-the-world Major

2009-10-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

I freaking love my major.

You know when I was in high school I was so worried. I was a jack of all trades but a master of none. I was interested in everything but not interested enough in one thing. Choosing a major seemed so restrictive. Even when I ended up deciding on International Relations, I was really worried. I felt like I was closing myself off to other things, but I guessed that's how it worked.

But Peace and Conflict Studies? It introduced me to this beautiful thing called, "interdisciplinary majors."

I'm choosing classes right now and I have such a huge variety of classes to choose from, from Economics, Political Science, and Business classes to Philosophy, Ethnic Studies, and Geography classes.

I plan on taking:

Political Science 126A
International Political Economy
Description: Economic concepts in the study of international political behavior. Political concepts influencing the choice of economic policies.

German c109/Letters and Science C180T
Language and Power
Description: Multidisciplinary explorations into the origins, nature, and exercise of language as social symbolic power, drawing on readings taken from anthropology, social and cultural theory, and critical discourse analysis. Topics include language and myth, the meaning of meaning, the economy of verbal exchanges, perspective and ideology in language, institutional discourse, gender and discourse, and linguistic imperialism.

If I can't get into one of these, I want to get into:

Anthropology 139P
Controlling Processes
Description:This course will discuss key theoretical concepts related to power and control and examine indirect mechanisms and processes by which direct control becomes hidden, voluntary, and unconscious in industrialized societies. Readings will cover language, law, politics, religion, medicine, sex, and gender.

Like, freaking a, doesn't that sound totally rad? And all these clases fulfill my major requirements. Organic Chemistry? Physics? Linear Algebra? Um, how about War!, Politics of a Divided Korea, Bioethics, International Human Rights, and Introduction to International Business?

By the way, my classes that I'm taking now - Global Poverty: Hopes and Challenges in the New Millenium and Korean 10AX - are also classes for my major.

Language classes, classes about current events, people, politics, economics, behavior, war, conflicts, peace, trade, business, corporations, society, and about how we can literally, concretely, immediately and in the coming future actually solve the problems and situations we face in the world today.

:D
I'm the only Berkeley student actually exciting about Tele-Bears (signing up for classes) right now.

Signs

2009-10-09T02:32:00.000-07:00

"Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,' and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.

Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."

The News

2009-10-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

is so depressing.

D:

Just Now...

2009-09-24T17:23:00.001-07:00

... I farted. Does my co-worker smell it?

I hope not.

P:

lefthanded

2009-09-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today, I remembered something but couldn't figure out when and where it happened.

Then, I realized it was from a dream.

It had actually never happened.

A Warning

2009-09-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

Oh, Hikago.

I long to rewatch/reread you.
(wow, that sounds really weird.)

please remove your imagination out of the channels at the side or in the middle of a road, for leading off surface water!

"borrowed" from here

words of the Teacher, son of David

2009-09-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Study, Work, Read, Pay, Buy, Go, Stay, Clean, Call, Plan, Talk, Meet, Write, Finish, Start, Move, Drive, Cook, Prepare, Blah Blah Etc. Etc.

There's Always So Much To Be Done.

'I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.'

'"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."'

Three Posts in a Row

2009-08-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

what madness!!!!!!1!!!!!111!!!one!!!1!!111!!!

i just have a lot to say recently... sort of.

i just wanted to reflect on my first year of college life since i never actually did at the end of the year. thought i should do it now before second year really starts rolling.

i did... quite a lot, really.

i got involved in this quite spectacular church which really gives me so much hope for redefining (or, more accurately, rediscovering) what it means to be a Christian, living a true Christian life. and with this church, i've made honest, accepting friends who i know would stand by my side despite the short time we've known each other. with this church, i've experienced my first epic snowball battle and built my first snowman (read snow-zilla and snow-campanile), gone kayaking and got flipped off my kayak in the middle of a lake, and drove to SF in the middle of the night for mountains of ice cream. with this church, i've been challenged to reconsider my faith intellectually, not just emotionally, to truly and thoroughly understand and know what it means when i say that i'm a Christian and the implications of that in my daily life.

i've gone to more concerts this first year than i ever have before in my life (not counting harvest crusade). jason mraz, hillsongs, shane & shane, ucb orchestra (playing brahms second symphony btw)...

i saw the dalai lama speak in person!

i lived confidently - well, somewhat confidently - on my own without falling into desperate nostalgia.

i got a paid job on my own!

i met so many awesome new people!

i attempted to write a screenplay...

i chose a major - like in the first month or so of college.

i learned to drive - well, that was the summer right before college.

i've started to cook and go grocery shopping! and... pay bills... and tuition...

omg, this list is starting to make me feel old, i'm going to stop now.

and now for something completely random!

did you notice that in this post i did not capitalize "i" when referencing myself but in the previous post i did?

I feel small today.

2009-08-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

well, more accurately, felt yesterday.

as I was riding the BART, I happened to look over at the tall business buildings in Oakland. It suddenly occurred to me that everything single one of those black boxes represented at least one office with one person. Some windows were multiple people.

and as the train raced by house after house, window after window, I - who sat peering out of one of those small black boxes of many black boxes - felt so utterly small.

how is it that we forget so often how insignificant we are?

perhaps it's due to a person's singular ability to be so completely selfish.

it's not as if we don't know that there are billions of other people out there. it's not as if we don't realize that there are other people who matter. but often, it's the people we know that matters. it's the people we directly see in school and work that are out there. sure, we know that we a part of a mass, but it's a mass that we are of, the mass I am in.

when my church group went to a lake for the summer, it was massive. like, super huge. and we're just driving past it. that lake, on which I am just barely a dot, is not even a dot drawn on map of California on the rock called Earth, also which - in the grand scheme of the universe - is not even a speck.

on a completely unrelated note (or is it?) to end this slightly depressing and emo thought,

I wish there was a paint splatter function on photoshop. it'd be cool if the splatters were random like it would actually be if you dumped a can of paint on a canvas multiple times. but wouldn't it be ironic to program something like that? to program something to be random? programming chaos?

Something Meaningful

2009-08-25T22:14:00.001-07:00

I have something pretty meaningful and somewhat deep to say but I'm to lazy to write it all out here.

maybe I'll feel more inspired tomorrow.

Ici

2009-08-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

will be in so-cal in about 30 hours.

should be studying for final right now.

April 1st

2009-08-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

< edit-add >
WHOA WAIT. if watanuki is twin (created by syaoron's decision to change time) of o.g. syaoron and has the same parents as him, and o.g. syaoron's parents are copy syaoron and copy sakura, then copy syaoron and copy sakura are also watanuki's parents... but watanuki is sort of a copy of o.g. syaoron... who was spawned from copy syaoron... who was spawned from o.g. syaoron... so watanuki (sort of copy syaron)'s father is copy syaoron?

ok. let's say i understand that.

but my question is copy sakura and copy syaoron's childhood story. that whole archeology thing and the wings feathers spreading at the beginning of the story.... how does that fit into the story of o.g. sakura and o.g. syaoron and fei wong taking o.g. sakura? because o.g. sakura's daddy looks like copy syaoron's adoptive daddy and copy sakura's daddy looks like clow reed... and how about sakuras' brother (t... forgot his name) and yuki(to?)? i mean, are there two of them too?

and another thing, how about when copy sakura and copy syaoron relive lives and meet each other in a card-captor-like setting except copy sakura has magic knight rayearth girls as friends? i guess that just happens, because, with the whole different worlds and different times, that is made possible?

and don't even get me started on how card-captor sakura plays into this with her random cameo and giving her staff to help with payment to change the vicious cycle of events.

...
this better all make sense in the end.

< /end edit-add >

omg, Watanuki is so cool.

:D

Bay Street

2009-07-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

sleepy...

Street Vendors

2009-07-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

It's sad how often I forget how hard life is.

How often I forget how blessed and lucky I am to be living my life of mine.

hm.

I wasn't going to write/talk about this but I will now so that I won't forget this feeling.
:: today, I was looking at this necklace at a street vendor on my way back to the apartment from work.
it was pretty and I vaguely thought of buying it. I asked how much it was, with no real intention of buying it.
He said it was 7 dollars. it was actually cheaper than I thought it would be. I took a mental note and proceeded to walk away.
then the guy calls after me and asks me how much I am willing to pay.
for a second, I was confused. then I somewhat realized that he really wanted to sell it.
I refused and said I was just looking and walked away.
as I thought about the encounter, my heart began to sink.
many of these street vendors are just trying to find a way to earn an honest living.
(at least I'd like to think they are.)
I wondered how it must feel to sell something and wondered how often that happened.
and I felt that life truly is so difficult. I felt that I should go back and buy it. (ahh, I felt so bad)
I wondered how it must feel to not sell anything or to sell very little.
and I think of my parents who run a little shop and how jaded one could get as people come in and go, as people look and pass by, and sell so little - which means less money.
and as one who is somewhat supporting herself, I realize how hard it is to come by money.
How much harder when there's no financial aid, no scholarships or grants, no parents.
That necklace might have been just 7 dollars to me, but it could have been a morale booster for that guy, and just one more meal he (or his family) wouldn't have to worry about.
wow, maybe I'm thinking too much but...
but life really is hard.
street vending or running a restaurant. raising your kids so they could have better opportunities.
so they won't have to feel the way you do when people pass by and you sell little or nothing.
in this competitive, be-the-best, be-better-than-him society, I felt that this was really sad.
and yet, even if we reformed the capitalist system, it's not as if it would fix everything.
the fact is that life is unfair, we're dealt unfair cards, not born into the same situations.
some will have to fight, crawl and claw from the bottom to just achieve mediocrity.
some won't have to do anything at all.
life... really is hard.
(and financial issues is just one part of it!)

I am so so so very very blessed.
because even if I fail, I have people who would take me in.
because even if I fall, I have people who would pick me up.
because even if I'm not the best, I can still have some measure of comfort.
because so many opportunities and chances have opened up for me.
because my parents have ensured that, even though they couldn't give me everything, I could at least have the chance to grab everything myself.

and so, it's so very important to have compassion for everyone,
everyone who struggles through life.
even those who are financially secure go through much trials.
I must not let my laziness and contentment to slow me and numb me.

there is much to do.
and I am but one person living but one life.
but I know a God who multiplies,
who can turn one loaf and two fish, one child's small offering,
into meals for over 5000 people... and still have basket-fulls of leftovers.

there is much to do.
and I am but one person living but one life.
but I believe in a world where the ripples I create can turn into tsunamis.

hm.

Enigma wrapped in a Mystery

2009-07-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

[10/29/2008 12:12:06 AM] Seb:

I still want to see you fall in love :)

tell me who the lucky guy is

[10/29/2008 12:12:15 AM] E. Christine Seo:

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

[10/29/2008 12:16:32 AM] Seb:

no. seriously.

[10/29/2008 12:16:48 AM] E. Christine Seo:

haha, well i havent yet seabass

sorry to break the news

and even though i say yet

i doubt it wil happen anytime soon

[10/29/2008 12:17:21 AM] Seb:

I'm just really

unsure how you'd react.

[10/29/2008 12:17:48 AM] E. Christine Seo:

hahahaha

no guesses?

[10/29/2008 12:18:58 AM] Seb:

no idea.

whatsoever.

[10/29/2008 12:19:11 AM] E. Christine Seo:

ahahahaha

yay!

E. Christine Seo is mysterious!

[10/29/2008 12:19:28 AM] Seb:

just baffled I guess

you're very much a fun person, but I suppose tomboyish in a sort of way?

has anyone described you as that?

[10/29/2008 12:19:54 AM] E. Christine Seo:

hmm... tomboyish? nope

not really

[10/29/2008 12:20:22 AM] Seb:

hmm

I don't know how to describe it

lol

[...]

you

are a freaking mystery.

[10/29/2008 12:26:17 AM] E. Christine Seo:

YES!

Smudge.

2009-07-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

<<----- reads from right to left.

Napoleon Bonaparte::

"I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between Him and every other person in the world there is no possible terms of comparison. Alexander, Caesar, Charlamagne, and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love, and at this hour millions of men would die for Him."

Tomatoes!

2009-07-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

you know, I never ever change the words in these comic snippets.
(except for this one.)

japanese people are so weird.

Existence:

2009-07-11T03:02:00.000-07:00

It’s a strange thing to tell someone that they don’t exist.

But as I stood my ground against the heavens, I needed to hear it said, hear it resound through the empty chasms of space, hear it echo off the walls of my heart.

You don’t exist.

What a fearful moment.

Terrifying, as I waited for the world to collapse around me, for the skies to unleash the floodgates, for tremors to open up the ground and swallow me whole.

Nothing. Truly, nothing happened.

Louder now.

You don’t exist. God, you do not exist.

Still, nothing.

Is that it?

Was that all I needed to do to be free?

Free from expectations,

free from obligations,

free from the watchful, judging eye of the Almighty?

Taking in a breath, I let it out slowly, watching my breath as it formed clouds in the night air.

Was it always this cold out here? I released the tension I didn’t know I had from the stiff shoulders.

God doesn’t exist.

God doesn’t exist, God doesn’t exist, God doesn’t exist, God is not here, God is not there, God is nowhere, God is not, God is NOT! What madness, what freedom! I can do what I want, when I want! Heaven? So? There’s no hell! The world is mine for the taking! I can pursue all my dreams, my hopes, my desires! The world is bigger now; the world is greater now! Watch out world, I’m coming! I’m finally paving my way through!

I let out another breath.

Was I holding my breath in all this time? And why is it so cold? And dark?

And why… why is the world so… big?

Was it always like this? I don’t remember the world being so… dark.

And lonely.

What am I saying? Of course I’m alone. That’s the point isn’t it? I’m alone! God is not there! God isn’t here or anywhere! I’m by myself now, on my own, free to do things my way, in my time, according to me! I don’t need something like “God.” Well, I do I have my friends and family. And they support me! “Go for your dreams!” they say, “Do what your heart tells you!” they assert. And I will! Now I can! Go for the gold! And what’s so wrong about that?

Nothing! Nothing is wrong! Nothing!

Nothing.

Is there anything?

How do I know that this isn’t all some dream?

How do I know if everything I worked hard for disappears tomorrow? How do I know my friends and family really care? What If they’re really just laughing at me when I’m not there? How do I know that this is really for me? How do I know if this is what I’m supposed to be doing? What if I regret? What if I realize that I’m not good at this and that I’m really good at something else and that is what I should be doing right now? How do I know if this is worth it? What if I end up wasting the next couple of years of my life following a path that ends with no rewards? How do I know that person is the one for me? What if there’s someone else out there who truly is the one? How do I know I’m happy? What if I’d be happier over there or somewhere else far from here? What if no matter what I do, I can’t change the things around me? What if I’m not good enough? What if… what if I die tomorrow?

Will people even remember me?

Will everything I work for even last a single day?

Why… Why am I even here?

What’s the point?

It’s so cold. And dark.

And lonely.

And I’m falling and falling and falling. The air rushes by me and all I hear is the swiftly speeding wind whistling through my ears. I grope blindly into the dark to try to grab onto something, anything. But everything falls with me. Nothing is firm. Nothing is stable. And I fall and fall and

fall

fall

fall

and

f

a

l

l

.

The cross.

Vaguely, I begin to recall the image of the cross.

I find my footing as I’m reminded by the stories from my childhood about a man from Nazareth, raised from humble beginnings, living a life numbered in days, ending unceremoniously with a punishment meant to execute criminals.

I remembered how he died for me.

For me.

He died.

Suffered.

Cried.

For me.

For me, who decided so confidently that he, in fact, did not exist, did not matter and meant nothing to me. For me, who so readily ran away with part of the inheritance to live a foolish and meaningless life of desires far from home. For me, who envies, who scoffs, who covets, who hates, who lies, who murders. For I who hated him, despised him, and betrayed He who loves me, embraces me, and forgives me.

I did nothing yet, for the sole fact that I am I, loves me. Whole-heartedly. Desperately. Unconditionally.

What grace!

What mercy!

That He would die for me even when I did not know Him!

That He came, not to this world to condemn it, but to save it from itself!

Oh, and as the deer pants for the waters, Lord, so my soul longs for You!

How exalted is Your name!

I am not alone!

For You are there to expect from me love, to obligate me to care for those around me, to watch and guide me all the moments of my life!

There is meaning to my life now. I can know that I can be happy here. I can know that this is what I was meant to do, born to do! I can walk purposefully forward, knowing that there is a heavenly destination, knowing that the journey there will not be taken alone or blindly.

How bright it is here! How warm it is here!

How great it is to be here where You are!

Oh, that’s right.

There’s still a matter to be resolved.

Did You know, Lord?

You exist.

DISCLAIMER: this is a fictional story, based on real emotions and thoughts of others and facts of the Gospel.

This is something that I was thinking about during the mini-concert at church today. I was suddenly struck with this little plot bunny, and, for once, I decided to jump on it and write it out and see what would come out from it. It didn't quite flow the way I had imagined. It's rough and jumpy and confusing at parts. grammatically, I know it's quite wrought with errors, but it's supposed to be stream-of-consciousness and you know you don't think to yourself with proper grammar.

I laugh at thee if you thought I was really blogging about how I now think God isn't.
PUAHAHAHA!!!

please, girlfriend. who do you think I am?

Watermelon

2009-06-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

THIS POST:
In comment #5, I wrote:
"Having faith is seeing the huge cliff ahead of you, knowing that there is no physical, tangible, concrete, scientific proof of His existence, and still jumping, trusting God to catch you and give you wings."

..... EPIC FAIL!
I felt compelled to note that I was an ignorant, stupid little girl (never mind the fact that it was only a year ago). I felt compelled to note that there is proof of His existence. Faith isn't a leap off a cliff. God actually calls us to KNOW Him. Intellectually, we can know He exists.

Huzzah! You don't have to be ig'nant to be a Christian (contrary to popular belief)!

See, we do have brains!

30 Hour Famine

2009-06-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm hungry.

21 hours down, 9 hours to go.

I raised 100 dollars, feeding and caring for a child for 3 months and 10 days.

Yet before these 30 hours are over, 26,000 children just under the age of 5 will die - most from preventable causes like hunger, poverty, and disease. 14,000 will die from causes related to hunger alone. That's one kid every 7 seconds.

Because of the efforts of organizations and programs such as 30 Hour Famine,
since 1992 the number of kids who die each day because of hunger, disease, and poverty has dropped...

from 40,000 to 26,000.

Thanks for donating. :)

hmm.... I'm hungry.
Yet it is nothing compared to what others suffer around the world.
How blessed we are.

뭐?!

2009-06-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

too lazy to post anything of value.

Packing tape should not be used for... oh wait.

2009-05-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

hmmm.....

how oddly familiar.

BrainDead

2009-05-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

i hate finals.

Paradisio

2009-05-17T21:11:00.001-07:00

mmmm.... korean food....

and not studying for finals. :D

Purgatory

2009-05-13T23:36:00.002-07:00

not hungry.

just distracted. super DUPER distracted.

i just don't care enough.
wow, that's really pathetic.

The Inferno

2009-05-12T18:05:00.001-07:00

starving.

seriously. just super, super hungry.

The Divine Comedy

2009-05-05T10:53:00.001-07:00

hungry.

really, super hungry.

Hopscotch.

2009-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

When I realized I understood this joke, I truly realized how much of a nerd I am.
(I'm not even a programmer or engineer!)

Richard Cory

2009-04-27T00:03:00.001-07:00

by Edwin Arlington Robinson (1869-1935)

Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good morning,” and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

impossible eyes

2009-04-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

Day after day, her eyes turned to the horizon.
What are you waiting for it asked.
She replied after a pause.
Nothing. Anything.
As long as it's not that.
Anything but that.

Easter Sunday

2009-04-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.

I'm often discouraged and find myself
suffocated by my sins and shortcomings.
But one day in heaven,
perfect love will overcome all my laziness and fears
and the Lord will reveal His hand in my life.

He has overcome the grave.
All things are made new.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away."

Good Friday [1 minute late]

2009-04-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

an amazing, amazing love.

As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

I must...

2009-04-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

... remember to stop, close my eyes, and breathe. In the flurry and hurry of midterms, tests, projects, essays, clubs, church, and stress stress stress, don't let life just pass you by.

take a look around and appreciate, enjoy, and love this moment, this place, this time.

I'm in my college dorm, going to one of the most prestigious schools in California, if not the country, with the freedom to study, learn, and know about my world and the world around me. I'm alive, healthy, without the shadow of death looming over me with the threat of cancer or disease.

I have friends who love me, who accept me, who support me.
I have a family who loves me, who disciplines yet protects, admonishes and guides.
I have no fear of starvation, no fear of violent death, no fear of guns, bombs, raids, or attacks.

The sky is lit with the moon's radiant glow.
The stars, however obscured by the city lights, still manage to twinkle above.
The sunset paints the world with reds, purples, pinks, and yellows.
The morning dew kisses the green leaves of trees.
The wind is soothing and cool, the sun warm.

Laughter, adventures, learning, peace, people, and music fill my life.

Above all, I have a God who loves, who forgives, who pours out His everything for me. He who died, who suffered, who rose again. He who is, who was, who will be.

I exist.
More than that, I am alive.
This is my life.

I won't let it live without me.

Sometimes the way is lonely

2009-03-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl.
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall. So,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,

Fall on Jesus and live.

Too Many Plot Twists

2009-03-20T00:30:00.001-07:00

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles

MAKES NO SENSE!

ABSOLUTELY NUTTERS!

the Numinous

2009-03-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

"Rat," he found breath to whisper, shaking, "Are you afraid?"

"Afraid?" murmured the Rat, his eyes shining with unutterable love. "Afraid? of Him? O, never, never. And yet - and yet - O Mole, I am afraid."

-The Wind in the Willows

A Reminder

2009-03-12T00:35:00.000-07:00

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Jesus wept.

2009-03-10T00:22:00.001-07:00

Selflessness is not self-sacrifice. Selflessness is not simply putting yourself before others. It's not caring more about the people around you and not caring about yourself. In fact, that is selfishness. You may be surprised how easy it is to not care about yourself. How easy it is to be good-natured and kind. You just do not have to care.

If you don't care, you don't get upset. If you don't care, you don't get angry. So, be nice to him? Sure! Why not? So, help her with that? Sure! Why not? As long as I can help. As long as I can help and not care. As long as I can keep a distance from you. From others.

When you refuse to care about yourself, you are refusing to acknowledge that you have worth in other people's eyes. It's refusing to recognize that, as such, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself. It's running away from real connections with people and rejecting all obligations to others. "I don't have worth. I don't mean anything." is not so far from "I can do whatever the hell I want." Admitting your worth is acknowledging the role others have played in your life. I am a daughter, a mother, a friend, a roommate, a confidant, a student. It's because of that person I am strong, I am meek, I am knowledgeable. As a person with worth, I should help him, give her that, do this for her, do that for him. True selflessness is seeing that your life is not your own. You do not belong solely to you. You belong to your friends and your family. To the people you may know one day. To the people you may help one day. To the people you may save one day. To God who gave you the life you live.

True selflessness is this:

It is to know one's worth, to know one's strengths and abilities, to know one's bright future, to know one's significance to others, to know one's belongings and wants and time are real and valuable, and still, despite all that, still, giving up all that, sacrificing all that, to help another, to save another, to live for another.

Indifference is selfish.
Self-sacrifice, backed by not caring for yourself, is selfish.
Just like insecurity is prideful.

Love yourself. Only then will you really be able to truly love others and know what an amazing life that is.

puahahaha!!!

2009-03-08T21:36:00.001-07:00

superMan

2009-03-07T02:22:00.000-08:00

HUNGER!!!

"If God is love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt. He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense."

- C.S. Lewis

<<----- reads from right to left.

structure, Agency

2009-03-05T04:18:00.001-08:00

STALLING!!!

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

- Winston Chruchill

greenHouse

2009-03-03T02:22:00.001-08:00

<<--- reads from right to left

DISTRACTIONS!!!

"We should consider every day lost
on which we have not danced at least once.
And we should call every truth false
which was not accompanied by at least one
laugh."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

marco Polo

2009-03-01T00:36:00.000-08:00

PROCRASTINATION!!!

"All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible."

- T.E. Lawrence

conceivably.

2009-02-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

But love, it washes over,
Love, it pulls me closer,
Love, it changes everything!
Everything is beautiful!
Even when the tears are falling,
I don't need a miracle to believe!
Even in the crashing down,
I can hear redemption calling,

And everything is beautiful to me!

Pandas Say Moo.

2009-02-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

Time for something not philosophical, cryptic, vague, or meaningful!

[BURN!]

Hinges Straining from the Weight

2009-02-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

"Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself."

I can't help but think that you know now how God feels. To give all you have to receive little to nothing in return. Oh, the pains of unrequited love.

Luckily for us, His love never runs dry. Overflowing, generous, overwhelming, fulfilling, ever-abundant, satisfying love.

How little we have to offer in return.