Prayer meeting was communion today.
I had actually fell a little asleep at first. When my eyes closed, I felt sleep take over. I just felt so tired. But after a bit, Pastor Ed called for 30 minutes of praise and prayer, during which time you would get up when you felt like it to take the “bread” and the “wine”. Then I really wanted to pray, pray for understanding, pray to feel for once. I wanted to not just know Jesus’ sacrifice in my head, but feel it in my heart and I just prayed. And I just tried to break down those walls. And I prayed and I got the shivers. And so I prayed some more and then tears came trickling down. And I prayed. And I remembered high school. Not specific moments but high school in general. Somehow I just knew, I felt that God was with me all that time. And I felt how God was with me now and how He was with me all this time. How good it was to finally feel again, finally have my heart stirred and tears come down so much that my body shook. I just kept repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. oh, how I was so sorry.
There were so much to be sorry for and I could barely put it into words and I feared putting them into words, ‘cause, goodness, I’m so d**n good at putting things into words but how often I fail to feel those words. I’m so good and saying I’m a sinner and knowing I’m a sinner, but how often I fail to feel like a sinner. I didn’t want to put them to words because I didn’t want to lose this feeling; I was afraid I’d stop feeling, so I just kept saying, “I’m sorry, oh I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.” And “Thank you, thank you. Oh God, thank you." Thank you for loving me. Thank you, thank you. Surely I am here and able to be happy, surely I was able to not be lonely because You were there, You are here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I just wanted to care again, feel again, love again. To worry, really worry. To care. To cry. To feel. And how stupid I was, so stupid, so shallow, so silly. I told Him that I’d stop daydreaming. I did. And I will.
I remember taking that bread and the wine and holding in my hand and I could barely put it in my mouth because that, that was Jesus’ blood and flesh. This is His suffering, His death, His pain. And after I had put the bread in my mouth and chewed, I cried, His sacrifice renewed. And how I hesitated to drink that wine, just overwhelmed by His love. Oh God, how You love me. Communion had never been so real before.
I’m sorry, so sorry. I am so sorry. And Thank You, thank You. Thank You so much.
I had actually fell a little asleep at first. When my eyes closed, I felt sleep take over. I just felt so tired. But after a bit, Pastor Ed called for 30 minutes of praise and prayer, during which time you would get up when you felt like it to take the “bread” and the “wine”. Then I really wanted to pray, pray for understanding, pray to feel for once. I wanted to not just know Jesus’ sacrifice in my head, but feel it in my heart and I just prayed. And I just tried to break down those walls. And I prayed and I got the shivers. And so I prayed some more and then tears came trickling down. And I prayed. And I remembered high school. Not specific moments but high school in general. Somehow I just knew, I felt that God was with me all that time. And I felt how God was with me now and how He was with me all this time. How good it was to finally feel again, finally have my heart stirred and tears come down so much that my body shook. I just kept repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. oh, how I was so sorry.
There were so much to be sorry for and I could barely put it into words and I feared putting them into words, ‘cause, goodness, I’m so d**n good at putting things into words but how often I fail to feel those words. I’m so good and saying I’m a sinner and knowing I’m a sinner, but how often I fail to feel like a sinner. I didn’t want to put them to words because I didn’t want to lose this feeling; I was afraid I’d stop feeling, so I just kept saying, “I’m sorry, oh I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.” And “Thank you, thank you. Oh God, thank you." Thank you for loving me. Thank you, thank you. Surely I am here and able to be happy, surely I was able to not be lonely because You were there, You are here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I just wanted to care again, feel again, love again. To worry, really worry. To care. To cry. To feel. And how stupid I was, so stupid, so shallow, so silly. I told Him that I’d stop daydreaming. I did. And I will.
I remember taking that bread and the wine and holding in my hand and I could barely put it in my mouth because that, that was Jesus’ blood and flesh. This is His suffering, His death, His pain. And after I had put the bread in my mouth and chewed, I cried, His sacrifice renewed. And how I hesitated to drink that wine, just overwhelmed by His love. Oh God, how You love me. Communion had never been so real before.
I’m sorry, so sorry. I am so sorry. And Thank You, thank You. Thank You so much.
No comments:
Post a Comment