Live High

Oh my goodness, my life! My life! I'm almost afraid I'm going to lose my past and all my memories if I don't take that one picture, that one doll, that other card, that other book. And at the same time, I just want to throw everything away and run with eyes only pointed ahead. I know I'm writing about this again, but I can't help it. MY LIFE! Packed (somewhat) neatly away in brown boxes!

I wish I could take every person I have ever met with me, so that they would never forget me, so that I could stay alive in their lives, so that they will stay alive in my memories. Something about people not thinking of me or forgetting who I am irks me. I want people to remember me and what I did, good and bad. This longing might stem from a strange sense of pride or insecurity, but, really, I just want our past to last forever. I don't like the idea of forgetting things or forgetting people. Every teacher, every student, every thought, and every moment are important and vital and have, in some way, shaped us, changed us, and molded us into who we are today. When we forget, we lose parts of who we are. I'll even force myself to remember those events in senior year despite the frustration, sorrow, and anger that rises from them because those frustrations, sorrows, and anger defines a bit of my identity. Even the memories of me that others carry also tell a story of who I am. How can I allow pieces of my self to fade away?

And, yet again, I long for the opposite. I wish I could go to a place where no one knows me, where I can forge a new me with my own hands. Without past bias or past expectations to hold me down, I can be a different, better, and brand new. I could throw everything away, start fresh. It would be so much more interesting that way, more exhilarating, more.... more.


grrr... I completely lost my train of thought. After I finished that last paragraph, I went out to eat dinner with C.O.D. people. (M^y came!) Oh well, I'm going to go take a shower with this last thought.

Somehow, I still feel like such a child.

I might as well be.